I did it. I took the plunge. As of this month, I now live with my girlfriend, and it is awesome. It’s only been a few weeks, and already, I can tell that I had been living an empty shell of a life before she moved in. She makes every day brighter and my living conditions infinitely better. It’s hard to narrow down all the positive things living with my girlfriend has brought me, so I’ll just take you through my favorites.
The entire apartment is covered in a thick layer of hair!
Before moving in with my girlfriend (a time that feels oh-so-long-ago), I had a few experiences with her loose hairs disrupting my day. I’ve woken up with them in my mouth, tangled in my beard, and on a few memorable occasions, I’ve even pulled ten-inch strands out of my butthole. And you know what I thought every time? “Wow, why can’t this happen more often? This sensation is truly amazing.” But now, I’m happy to announce that it happens ALL THE TIME! I wake up covered in loose hair. I go to sleep covered in loose hair. There are hairs adorning the walls of my shower and hairs on every piece of clothes I own. Even the ones I haven’t worn in months, somehow. Isn’t that fantastic?
I have so many more pillows and blankets!
Before this month, I thought I knew what comfort was. My perfect vegetative state? Laying down on the couch in sweats and a t-shirt with a single pillow beneath my head. Boy, was I wrong. Now, as an enlightened man, I know that true comfort comes with the feeling of accomplishment of tossing five pillows and two blankets on the floor before being able to lay down. Oh, you think your bed is comfy? Think a-fucking-gain, sir. If you don’t sleep in a nest of pillows and blankets, your sleeping quarters are trash. I know that now.
I’ve been exposed to much better TV!
Wow. Guys, I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without knowing what true great TV was. Here I was, just wasting my time watching sports and Netflix dramas most nights of the week, when there was so much better stuff out there. For example, did you know that you can watch Friends on Netflix every night if you want to? That’s right, a twenty-year-old sitcom that definitely hasn’t aged poorly, every night! There is also a whole treasure trove of reality-TV shows that I wasn’t aware are definitely better than HBO content. Learn something new every day!
My taste in interior decorating has been expanded!
Did you know they make Pittsburgh Steelers-themed décor? Things like towels, glassware, and even stuff you can hang on the wall, all emblazoned with the Steelers’ logo, that people purposefully buy? Isn’t that crazy? This whole time, I could have had a middling football team’s logo hanging around my apartment. Decorations that have to do with the Pittsburgh Penguins also exist, although for some reason all of those got damaged or lost in the move. Weird. Maybe they were made intentionally fragile as a homage to their team captain’s constitution? Great commitment to the theme.
The furniture is getting used in new and exciting ways!
If you thought this was going to be about us banging in new places, get your mind out of the gutter. Before my girlfriend moved in, I was under the impression that most furniture had only a few uses. For example, a couch can be used to sit on, or even to sleep on. Boy, was I wrong. A couch can be used for anything! An extra closet to hold clothes. A step stool to hang one of the Penguins-themed decorations that was miraculously unharmed. A trash can to collect the broken glass when said decoration somehow gets broken. Do we have a poltergeist that has good taste in NHL teams? Seems like it! Kitchen tables are for crafts. The tub is for handwashing delicates. The rug is to do yoga on, and also to break my fall when I trip over someone doing yoga on the rug while I’m half-asleep. So many new uses! Each day is a blessing.
I get so see my favorite person every day!
Before we moved in together, my girlfriend and I would spend around four nights a week together, but now, we see each other every night. And frankly, it’s awesome. Even after nearly three years of dating, I’m still just as excited to see her as I was on our first date. If I had a good day, I have someone to share my happiness with, and if I have a bad one, I have someone that never fails to make me feel better. I’m sure we will deal with some issues as we learn how to live together, but the fact that I get to see her every day more than makes up for them. And of course, I’ll always be able to air our issues out on the internet, as all good couples counselors recommend.