Why Every College Football Coach Needs To Sign My Five Month Old Son


Let me tell you a little bit about my son. He is going to change your program.

Sure, that’s a bold statement, but I bet I can get you fired up pretty quickly. Baby Delph comes from a bloodline of farm boys-turned-D1 offensive linemen. He is already in the 99th percentile for height and weight. The first thing the nurse said when he came out of the womb was, “This is the most muscle definition on a baby’s legs that I have ever seen!” She has been a nurse for decades. It’s rumored that she even delivered Saquon Barkley. Yeah, my kid has nicer quads than Sa-quads does. I can also attest to his leg strength, as he has already fractured two of my ribs with some kicks to my chest, and I also worry he may grow up an only child after the blow he delivered to my groin the other day. The dude has legs.

He has a big head. He gets that from me. This means that he has more concussion longevity, something every great player needs. He also has a lock-on grip, which will come in handy when he’s holding on almost every play (because they all do). He’s extremely coordinated, and I give props to his mother for that. I once saw her make 50 free throws in a row. That’s right, you’re also going to be fighting basketball coaches for Baby Delph as well. I assure you it’ll be worth it.

My son will be put through various mountain man workouts every day as he grows up. He will learn the principles of hard work and pushing his body to its limits. He was also born the first week of September, so you will be getting a 19-year-old freshman that is built like a 25-year-old NFL lineman. There is a great opportunity here for you to help your program and bring in a solid class in 2037.

You’re probably wondering, what’s my motive? Why approach you now when he can’t even walk yet? This could be an investment of a lifetime for you. For the small amount of $5,000 I can guarantee you that my son will consider your school. Once we establish a business partnership we can then move on to many of the details and fine print. I believe that this price is very fair and if you have a problem with it, then you can kiss my country ass.

Talk to you soon!



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