How was everyone’s weekend? Y’all have a good time? Maybe some of you went on a nice trip, or hit the bars, or maybe even relaxed at home. That sounds nice. I’m happy for you guys. Oh, what did I do, you ask? I helped move my girlfriend out of her third floor walk-up and into my second floor walk-up in negative temperatures. I know. Living the dream, am I right? But I’m not bitter, because, honestly, everything we moved was crucial to starting our new life together. Here are some of my favorites.
A storage container filled to the brim with DVDs
Oh, hell yeah. You know what they say about DVDs: They’re a super useful form of media in 2019, and they’re not going anywhere. Never mind that we don’t have a DVD player, nor do I know where I would even buy a DVD player. The point is, we know have 50 plastic cases taking up room on our shelves, including classics such as Waitress, 40 Days and 40 Nights, and the evergreen classic, Shrek 4. As an added bonus, I also found three VHS tapes hidden within this treasure trove. Now we have to buy a safe to put those valuables in so our children can inherit them.
In case y’all are uncultured swine who don’t know what a LovesackTM is, it’s an enormous beanbag chair that was purchased from a mildly popular store in the mall in the mid-2000s, which has long since closed down. What makes it different than a normal beanbag chair, you ask? Stupid question. It’s the price and the size, of course. This fucking thing is, no exaggeration, eight feet wide, and was bought for just under $2,600 in 2004 dollars.
If you’re still thinking that it sounds awesome, then you’re wildly overestimating the spaciousness of our apartment. Not only does this enormous back of beans not fit anywhere, it’s also impossible to get in and out of. I’m 27 with the back of a 75-year-old. It takes me two tries to get off the couch. If I lay in this LovesackTM, I will never get out. They will have to bury me in it. I will admit, however, that this thing is durable as shit. I tossed it off her third floor balcony in the hopes that it would break, and it wasn’t even phased. The LovesackTM will haunt me until I die.
The biggest rug I’ve ever seen
I’ll give it to this girl, she just loves big things. Clearly she made some sort of mistake when dating me. But seriously, everything she owns is just comically oversized. I measured this rug. It’s 22’ x 20’. That’s not a rug. That’s a carpet. There is not a single room in our new apartment that can fit this enormous roll of shag in it. If we lived in a Saudi prince’s palace, this rug would be a welcome addition. But unfortunately, we do not.
Various family heirlooms
My girlfriend and I come from very different backgrounds. My parents immigrated to this country with, as they tell it, “nothing but a suitcase and a plane ticket.” Her family, on the other hand has lived in the same region of Pennsylvania for as many generations back as they can count. Seriously, the town next to where she grew up is named after her mother’s maiden name. That’s some OG pilgrim shit. And one of the cool parts about having that extensive ancestry is that you get to pass things down through the family over the decades. This includes property, furniture, and yes, knick-knacks, or as they call them, “family heirlooms.”
And I’m not talking about cheap shit. I’m talking a crystal champagne set from her great-grandma. I’m talking about a vase that’s worth more than everything else I own combine. I’m talking about a silver chalice from the early 1900s that we’re now using as a key holder because that’s just how we fucking roll now. And don’t get me wrong, I love it. This shit is cool as hell. It deserve to be in a museum, or failing that, at least a home that isn’t crooked and rattles when the train goes by.
A Steelers “Terrible Towel”
I don’t have a lot of stuff. I moved to Chicago with just a few suitcases, and I’ve always lived a fairly spartan lifestyle. However, the one thing I do have plenty of, weirdly enough, are rags and old towels that I use to clean with or jam under doors to keep the cold out. So it surprised me when my girlfriend thought I would need yet another piece of cloth to clean up spills with or use as a door mat when it’s especially muddy outside. It didn’t make much sense, but I did appreciate the effort. Unfortunately, I believe it got left in the U-Haul when I returned it, so sadly that piece of fabric did not make it into our new home. She seems weirdly distraught, but I figure I’ll just go to the old triple-B next weekend and get her some fresh hand towels to replace it. Women’s minds just work in mysterious ways, am I right?
A guitar, two tennis rackets, and a shot-ski
Look, I understand that these are all incredibly cool items. One can make music, one is a great couples activity, and one is the most messy way to get drunk. I like all of those things. However, I’ve been dating this girl for three years and not only have I never seen her use any of them, I’ve never even seen any of them. I don’t know what closet or storage unit she pulled these out of, but I think it’s safe to say their main use is going to be collecting dust. Either that, or my girlfriend is secretly way fucking cooler than I thought, and is even more out of my league. This is worrisome in its own right because at some point she’s going to wise up and leave me. But not for six more months, baby, because I just locked her ass down in a lease. Hurray for growing up.