Imagine you are a multi-billionaire with access to virtually any resource on the planet. To make this hypothetical scenario slightly more relatable and realistic, let’s also imagine that you’re looking to get your rocks off without having to exert any physical effort. How would you utilize the former to accomplish the latter? You could land yourself a sugar baby who’s half your age to cater to your every sexual whim in exchange for a six-figure credit line that barely makes up a percentage of your wealth. Or you could have an assistant order a primo escort to come service you on one of the yachts you undoubtedly own.
If you’re New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft though, apparently you have a chauffeur drive you out in the field and seek out the action yourself at a massage parlor.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a wanted man — cops say they’ve issued a warrant for his arrest as part of a recent prostitution, human trafficking sting operation in Jupiter, Florida.
Cops say 77-year-old Kraft will be charged with 2 counts of “soliciting another to commit prostitution,” according to Jupiter Police Chief Daniel Kerr.
Officials say Kraft is accused of soliciting a prostitute on at least 2 separate occasions at a massage parlor in Florida roughly “a month ago.”
Cops say the name of the establishment that Kraft visited is Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Jupiter.
The average cost per visit for services is $59 or $79 per hour, according to police.
Kraft will be charged with a misdemeanor and will have to appear in court.
Robert Kraft’s net worth is more than six billion dollars and he’s out here going to a strip mall spa to get a happy ending for a lower rate than most people pay for wedding photographers! He has every resource imaginable at his disposal to do that in a much more covert way, yet he chooses to go to a cheap rub and tug fronting as a massage parlor that shares a plaza with a tax preparation chain and a bad Thai food restaurant. Although I guess that’s the kind of spending discipline and fiscal responsibility you need to exercise in order to stay rich once you amass your fortune.
I understand where the thrill of the scenario comes into play—sneaking around behind your model girlfriend’s back for some action on the side, using your personal driver to take you to the “masseuse” in secret, the climax—but when you’re a high profile rich guy like Kraft is, you have to be more cautious than going to that one spa in the area that gives you “a little extra” with all the other rich geriatric guys. Maybe shell out a few extra dollars per hour and have them perform a house call so your dumb ass doesn’t get caught on police surveillance at a public business. Of course, if you already find yourself wanting to get a handy from a faux-masseuse, chances are you’re probably doing more thinking with the head in your pants than the one on your shoulder in the first place, and we all know where that usually gets us—okay, maybe not charged with misdemeanor solicitation of a prostitute, but nowhere good.
Congratulations to the Patriots on their latest ring, though. Can’t deny that this prostitution one was earned the hard way.