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Settling With Being Unsettled

Well howdy, partners. I’m back. Thanks a billion for joining the crew on The Clock Out. This is something we’ve always joked about but never had the cajones to make a reality until we were very forcefully pushed out of the problematic postgrad nest. Many apologies for missing the initial Writers Roundtable (I’ve kind of been living under a warm and cozy blanket of seasonal depression for weeks, now), but I can’t tell you how incredibly happy I am to be back in the saddle and writing to you guys again. 

I’ve been feeling so less than inspired to write, here recently. It’s funny – I love writing content when certain things are going on in my life. Usually, it’s when I drink too much and something hilarious happens, or when my love life is in complete shambles. Mostly when things are going awry, do I feel inspired to spit out the internet content. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for my content bank, none of those things are going on. Quite the contrary, I feel like I’ve literally got nothing interesting or relatable going on in my life, and so I’ve been pulling my hair out trying to come up with something to talk to you guys about during this first week of the site being live. 

But then it hit me: it isn’t just about those wild n’ crazy tales that have everyone laughing at happy hour or reminiscing at the bachelor party. Life is really made up of an endless amount of monotonous moments, creeping by ever so slowly, like the slow tick of the clock on a Friday afternoon (yes, that’s an intentionally-placed Clock Out reference). The incredibly notable moments are generally few and far between. Most of our days are spent doing repetitious tasks, with one day melting into another. Monday through Friday starts looking the same. The weekends seem to disappear in the blink of an eye. These weeks come and go at lightning speed, but somehow, despite the pace that my wheels are turning, I’m not actually getting anywhere. It’s not always happy and it’s not always joyful, sometimes life feels pretty lame and uninspiring.

I’m at a weird stage in my life (it seems like every time I write something like this, all stages of my life fall into this category) where I’m simply unsettled. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel unsettled in my love life or in my relationships with friends and family, or even law school. I’m just at this crossroads where I’m about to make a huge turning point, and frankly, I don’t know which direction that turning point is going to go. I’ve got 5 months until I take the bar exam, with an eternal semester of bullshit classes standing between me and the finish line. I’m essentially at a little road block. Until this deed is done, until I’ve got some closure with this law school journey, I’m stuck in the same spot treading water. And frankly, sometimes, it feels like drowning. 

It’s been a rough few weeks, trying to come to terms with the actual finality of my school-years. I’ve spent practically my entire adult life in a classroom. I’ve sat by idly and watched my peers and friends get jobs, promotions, buy houses and cars. And I’ve felt jealous. I’ve felt inferior. It’s been hard to watch, even though I know I’m working on my own path. And finally, after all this time, I’m going to finish what I started, and get on my way. It’s nerve-wracking, it’s nauseating, it’s fear, it’s pure elation, and it’s excitement and joy – all wrapped into one.

I don’t really know what’s next, and that rattles my cage. I don’t know exactly which way I should start running. Actually, I can’t even start running, yet, because I still have things to take care of before I can hit the road. I’m stuck in this spot for now, and I guess my job is to make it as comfortable as possible while I’m here. I’m a slave to the fate of the universe for the time being, and I’ve got to do my best to settle in with being unsettled. Not every day has to be rainbows and sunshine, and you don’t have to get up and complete a 100-task to-do list every single day of your life. Sometimes, it’s okay to just cruise. We’ll all speed back up, eventually. 

5 comments

  1. That’s the thing they don’t tell you about adulthood: there’s a lot of feeling unsettled, uncertain, and any number of other “un” words. Granted, our career trajectories are vastly different, but I can still definitely relate to the feeling of kind of just treading water until I figure out what’s next.

    We’re all gonna make it out here in the big world, sometimes just one monotonous day at a time.

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    1. There needs to be a genre of movies for people 22-25 that exposes the reality of adult life, in that very few people actually know what they are doing and have planned out what they want to achieve and how they are going to achieve it. I want a movie that shows an outwardly successful but internally unsettled 20 something that appears to have life figured out but in reality they are just driving by braille trying not to crash.

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  2. As much as it sucks right now, enjoy the time you have left in law school. While it doesn’t feel like it, this is kind of your last shot of freedom and being a student. Bar prep quickly turns into associate life, and trust me, you will miss the freedom law school gave you.

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