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This Week In Ridiculous Holidays: February 25th – March 3rd

Ok friends, hold on to your hats – there are 64 holidays being celebrated this week, given that’s it the start of the month. Will I be able to come up with a snarky comment for each? Let’s see.

Monday, February 25th:

Pistol Patent Day

Um, what?

National Chocolate Covered Nut Day

It all depends on what kind of a nut we are talking about here.

National Clam Chowder Day

Also known as anaphylaxis day for me!

Tuesday, February 26th:

Carnival Day

As in a carnival with rides or a Rio de Janeiro type situation?

National Pistachio Day

See, here’s a nut I don’t like.

Tell a Fairy Tale Day

Kind of like that one my mom tells me when she says I’ll find a boyfriend soon?

Wednesday, February 27th:

No Brainer Day 

Today’s no brainer: you should follow The Clock Out on Twitter!

Polar Bear Day

Poor things are going to extinct unless we figure out this global warming thing.

National Kahula Day

Mudslide at lunch? Don’t mind if I do.

National Strawberry Day

With a side of chocolate covered strawberries.

National Retro Day

Thank god I can wear my bootcut jeans without fear of judgment.

Thursday, February 28th:

Floral Design Day

I’d just like someone that sends me flowers.

National Tooth Fairy Day

How cool would it be if there was an adult version of the Tooth Fairy who left money under your pillow every time you lost your dignity?

Public Sleeping Day

I wouldn’t suggest doing this at work.

National Chocolate Souffle Day

Best chocolate souffle I ever had: Le Soufflé.

National Toast Day

I must admit, I enjoy a good piece of toast with butter. Or strawberry jam. Or peanut butter. I just really like bread.

National Chili Day

Chocolate souffle, toast and chili all in one day? My intestines can’t take it.

Friday, March 1st:

Employee Appreciation Day

I dare you to casually mention this to your boss and see what happens.

National Pig Day

Celebrate by reading Charlotte’s Web! Or eating a half pound of bacon!

National Salesperson Day

Let’s be honest – does anyone really like salespeople?

Peanut Butter Lovers’ Day

One of my top 10 favorite foods.

National Dadgum That’s Good Day

And here’s a Dadgum good podcast.

National Fruit Compote Day

Strawberry all day.

National Horse Protection Day

Is there a lot of violence against horses?

National Minnesota Day

Sure, I’ll celebrate the state that brought us Target.

National Read Across America Day (Dr. Seuss Day)

I’d give you rhyme about reading here, but I’m not a poet and I know it.

National Day of Unplugging

Except from The Clock Out. Please.

National Dress in Blue Day

But like, not in awareness of anything?

World Day of Prayer

I make no snarky jokes about prayer.

Saturday, March 2nd:

Old Stuff Day

Marie Kondo would tell you to get rid of it, but I’ll tell you to hoard as much as you like.

National Banana Cream Pie Day

I was attacked for last week’s cherry pie take, but I’m pro-banana cream pie.

Sunday: March 3rd:

Caregiver Appreciation Day

Seriously, these people deserve all the props.

I Want You to be Happy Day

But, like, not happier than me.

If Pets Had Thumbs Day

They would take over the world. And I’d be ok with it.

National Anthem Day

Quick, try and sing the national anthem with all of the right words.

Peach Blossom Day

There’s really nothing to say about peach blossoms. Such a natural item.

National Cold Cuts Day

Hot take: cold cuts are gross. Fight me.

National Mulled Wine Day

Any wine is fine with me.

Soup It Forward Day

Sorry, but people already look at me weird enough when I pay for the car behind me in the Starbuck’s drive-through.

Finisher’s Medal Day

You should only get medals when you finish things. Like an entire pizza.

Also, a new month starts on Friday, which means it’s time to celebrate a whole bunch of National Months!

Asset Management Awareness Month

Because rich white dudes need more awareness!

Endometriosis Awareness Month

I try to not be aware of this because it scares the crap out of me.

Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month

No jokes.

National Brain Injury Awareness Month

Seriously, no jokes.

National Social Work Month

Nothing.

National Trisomy Awareness Month

Googled Trisomy, and still not making any jokes.

National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

Oh, come on, this is getting morbid.

Red Cross Month

Good people doing good things. Donate.

National Breast Implant Awareness Month

And we back!

National Caffeine Awareness Month

As in “you are aware you are an asshole without your morning coffee.”

National Celery Month

Also known as crunchy water awareness month!

National Cheerleading Safety Month

It’s real sport, guys.

National Craft Month

Finally, I can celebrate how I spend my Saturday nights without shame!

National Credit Education Month

Look at your credit score on 3/1 and cry until 3/31.

National Flour Month

Without flour, there is no pizza. Or pasta. Or cookies. Or cake. Or donuts. Honor that shit.

National Frozen Food Month

Give me all of the Bagel Bites.

National Kidney Month

Thank them for their service.

National Music in Our Schools Month

Celebrate by having flashbacks of your third-grade holiday concert when you forgot the words to your solo in Silver Bells.

National Noodle Month

Carbs, carbs, and more carbs!

National Nutrition Month

It’s important, but so isn’t enjoying noodles, so make your decisions accordingly.

National Peanut Month

Does the peanut butter in a Reese’s count?

National Sauce Month

Chocolate sauce. Pasta sauce. Pesto. The options are endless.

National Umbrella Month

A useful yet underappreciated accessory.

National Women’s History Month

And I leave you with this:

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