Ok friends, hold on to your hats – there are 64 holidays being celebrated this week, given that’s it the start of the month. Will I be able to come up with a snarky comment for each? Let’s see.
Monday, February 25th:
Pistol Patent Day
National Chocolate Covered Nut Day
It all depends on what kind of a nut we are talking about here.
National Clam Chowder Day
Also known as anaphylaxis day for me!
Tuesday, February 26th:
As in a carnival with rides or a Rio de Janeiro type situation?
National Pistachio Day
See, here’s a nut I don’t like.
Tell a Fairy Tale Day
Kind of like that one my mom tells me when she says I’ll find a boyfriend soon?
Wednesday, February 27th:
No Brainer Day
Today’s no brainer: you should follow The Clock Out on Twitter!
Polar Bear Day
Poor things are going to extinct unless we figure out this global warming thing.
National Kahula Day
Mudslide at lunch? Don’t mind if I do.
National Strawberry Day
With a side of chocolate covered strawberries.
National Retro Day
Thank god I can wear my bootcut jeans without fear of judgment.
Thursday, February 28th:
Floral Design Day
I’d just like someone that sends me flowers.
National Tooth Fairy Day
How cool would it be if there was an adult version of the Tooth Fairy who left money under your pillow every time you lost your dignity?
Public Sleeping Day
I wouldn’t suggest doing this at work.
National Chocolate Souffle Day
Best chocolate souffle I ever had: Le Soufflé.
National Toast Day
I must admit, I enjoy a good piece of toast with butter. Or strawberry jam. Or peanut butter. I just really like bread.
National Chili Day
Chocolate souffle, toast and chili all in one day? My intestines can’t take it.
Friday, March 1st:
Employee Appreciation Day
I dare you to casually mention this to your boss and see what happens.
National Pig Day
Celebrate by reading Charlotte’s Web! Or eating a half pound of bacon!
National Salesperson Day
Let’s be honest – does anyone really like salespeople?
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Day
One of my top 10 favorite foods.
National Dadgum That’s Good Day
And here’s a Dadgum good podcast.
National Fruit Compote Day
Strawberry all day.
National Horse Protection Day
Is there a lot of violence against horses?
National Minnesota Day
Sure, I’ll celebrate the state that brought us Target.
National Read Across America Day (Dr. Seuss Day)
I’d give you rhyme about reading here, but I’m not a poet and I know it.
National Day of Unplugging
Except from The Clock Out. Please.
National Dress in Blue Day
But like, not in awareness of anything?
World Day of Prayer
I make no snarky jokes about prayer.
Saturday, March 2nd:
Old Stuff Day
Marie Kondo would tell you to get rid of it, but I’ll tell you to hoard as much as you like.
National Banana Cream Pie Day
I was attacked for last week’s cherry pie take, but I’m pro-banana cream pie.
Sunday: March 3rd:
Caregiver Appreciation Day
Seriously, these people deserve all the props.
I Want You to be Happy Day
But, like, not happier than me.
If Pets Had Thumbs Day
They would take over the world. And I’d be ok with it.
National Anthem Day
Quick, try and sing the national anthem with all of the right words.
Peach Blossom Day
There’s really nothing to say about peach blossoms. Such a natural item.
National Cold Cuts Day
Hot take: cold cuts are gross. Fight me.
National Mulled Wine Day
Any wine is fine with me.
Soup It Forward Day
Sorry, but people already look at me weird enough when I pay for the car behind me in the Starbuck’s drive-through.
Finisher’s Medal Day
You should only get medals when you finish things. Like an entire pizza.
Also, a new month starts on Friday, which means it’s time to celebrate a whole bunch of National Months!
Asset Management Awareness Month
Because rich white dudes need more awareness!
Endometriosis Awareness Month
I try to not be aware of this because it scares the crap out of me.
Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month
National Brain Injury Awareness Month
Seriously, no jokes.
National Social Work Month
National Trisomy Awareness Month
Googled Trisomy, and still not making any jokes.
National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month
Oh, come on, this is getting morbid.
Red Cross Month
Good people doing good things. Donate.
National Breast Implant Awareness Month
And we back!
National Caffeine Awareness Month
As in “you are aware you are an asshole without your morning coffee.”
National Celery Month
Also known as crunchy water awareness month!
National Cheerleading Safety Month
It’s real sport, guys.
National Craft Month
Finally, I can celebrate how I spend my Saturday nights without shame!
National Credit Education Month
Look at your credit score on 3/1 and cry until 3/31.
National Flour Month
Without flour, there is no pizza. Or pasta. Or cookies. Or cake. Or donuts. Honor that shit.
National Frozen Food Month
Give me all of the Bagel Bites.
National Kidney Month
Thank them for their service.
National Music in Our Schools Month
Celebrate by having flashbacks of your third-grade holiday concert when you forgot the words to your solo in Silver Bells.
National Noodle Month
Carbs, carbs, and more carbs!
National Nutrition Month
It’s important, but so isn’t enjoying noodles, so make your decisions accordingly.
National Peanut Month
Does the peanut butter in a Reese’s count?
National Sauce Month
Chocolate sauce. Pasta sauce. Pesto. The options are endless.
National Umbrella Month
A useful yet underappreciated accessory.
National Women’s History Month
And I leave you with this: