We all have people we hate in our professional lives. Maybe they are jerks. Maybe they actually have it out for you and make your life miserable on purpose. Maybe they’re better at their job than you. Maybe they’re prettier than you. Maybe they’re Eagles fans. My point is that there are thousands of legitimate reasons to hate a person.
There are also other, more nihilistic reasons. Like maybe you just didn’t like the person’s facial expression that you passed on the street one day, and you decided they needed a lesson in the cruelty of randomness. Do they deserve it? MAYBE! But you don’t know, and that’s the point. It’s like how God feels on his off days.
So what to do? How can you inflict the appropriate amount of pain on someone and/or remove them from your daily life without being implicated or arrested?
I’m glad you asked. Below are somewhere between 3 and 12 ideas and best practices to make this happen.
1. Report their car as stolen.
- You’ll need a little bit of personal information here, but essentially here’s what you do. Call the cops, tell them your car was stolen. They’ll ask for the license plate and your home address. Make sure you have both of those pieces of information related to the person you hate. They’ll ask for things like insurance policy and your driver’s license number, so just be convincing when you say that you keep that information in the car. If you case their house for long enough, you’ll find a piece of mail with their auto insurance return address on it, that should be good enough. This is kind of a long con, but eventually they’ll get pulled over, the car will be reported as stolen, and their commute will be totally ruined. If you’re lucky it’ll be on a day when they have a big presentation or something. Also it’s possible that their license plate gets scanned which will also result in a long conversation with the cops. If nothing else, they’ll get a phone call or visit saying that their car was reported as stolen, which will just fuck with their mind for a while. I don’t think I need to say this, but please use a burner phone when calling the cops in the first place.
2. Chicken bomb their office
- Another tactic that requires patience. What you’ll want to do here is find a place in their workspace that is seldom used, like an empty drawer or a cabinet they never check. Then find a clean old paint can, stuff some left over chicken parts into it, and pour in a diluted mixture of purified water and hydrogen chloride. Make sure the lid is sealed tight, place it in the proper hiding place, and wait. Eventually what will happen is the chicken will rot inside while the mixture continues to bubble and expand. If you’ve diluted the solution properly, then somewhere around two weeks later, the expanding gas will burst the seal, and their entire workspace will be infected with the smell of rotted chicken permanently. They will of course find the offending source, but your nemesis and anyone in the near vicinity will have their productivity affected for months afterward.
3. Slap a Fugazi sticker on their work monitor
- Make sure you do it on their screen too. It’ll look like they defaced company property, and they won’t be able to use that monitor for any work they usually do with it. Furthermore, the anarchist tendencies of the band (and the action) will lead their supervisors to become substantially more suspect of your nemesis. They’ll most likely get drug tested as a result also. Furthermore, Fugazi rules.
4. Spam their office with phone calls
- To do this, you’ll want to make a Craigslist post for something innocuous, yet popular. My go-to for this is basically one that offers free animals of some kind, like “goats from a petting zoo” or whatever. Make up a story in the post as to why you can’t keep them any more (“ah jeez, the petting zoo wasn’t paying the bills and the bank foreclosed on the property”) and that you just want them to go to a good home. Then say “no emails, calls only” and leave the front desk number of your nemesis’s office and his or her name.
5. Get ‘em on a list
- To do this, you’ll need access to their work computer, or failing that, an IP address spoofing VPN. You’ll probably have more luck with the former. Once in, go ahead and search for things like white supremacist blogs, neo-nazi thought pieces, place a bunch of orders for guns, ammunitions, survival gear, and place an Amazon Prime order for a whole shitload of hormone-free milk. The weirdos always stockpile that. Then, search for the home addresses for anyone that the President has attacked on Twitter. Yes, I hate the Coast Guard. Why do you ask?
6. Just throw a brick through their window
- Back in 2008, roundabouts of Halloween, I was visiting some friends in Austin. That night, the University if Texas played Texas Tech University in football. Michael Crabtree caught the game winning touchdown, giving the Red Raiders an upset win and making the whole city of Austin lose its goddamn mind. I personally kicked a chiminea down a flight of apartment building exterior stairs, and yes, the ceramic shattering momentarily satisfied my bloodlust. I then ventured over to a friend’s apartment that was very close to campus. At that building, I inadvertently parked in someone else’s spot, and they ended up throwing a cinderblock through my passenger side window. On the one hand, I get it. Same, friend. On the other hand, that caused like a 6 month problem for me, dealing with insurance and whatnot. Imagine if that cinderblock had a note attached to it that referenced me or my family. Would totally have fucked my world up like ten times worse.
And at this point, huzzah! You’ve effectively ruined someone else’s life. Now you can sort of get back to doing that job that your nemesis was probably better at doing anyway. It’s going to make you, dear reader, better at your job, or at least less unhappy at it. And truth be told, that’s what we’re all here for.