All good relationships are built on the foundation of strong communication. In order to be fully committed to another human being, there are important conversations you must have with them. Conversations that bring you closer, or possibly, let them know they’re not the one for you. Religion. Politics. Whether or not they want kids. All of these topics are important, but not as important as the most telling conversation of all – who is on their “hall pass” list?
For the uninitiated, your “hall pass” list is the people (usually celebrities), that, if given the rare opportunity, you are allowed to cheat on your significant other with, with no repercussions or damage to your relationship. Sounds perfect, right? Of course, in the spirit of equality, your other half also gets a list of their own. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not interested in being cucked. Both my girlfriend and I know that these lists are most likely purely hypothetical, due to the unattainable status of the people on it. However, that doesn’t change the fact that knowing who is on each other’s list says something about your partner. For example, the fact that I have the actress from the AT&T commercials on my list drives. My girlfriend. Crazy. She’s angry for several reasons, including the fact that this woman is “not that famous,” and also because when she told her group of friends about my list, instead of support, every guy in the room agreed that she was a good choice.
My point is, my list is perfect. My girlfriend’s, on the other hand, is deeply flawed. We both agreed on having four people on our lists, and I have some thoughts on the four guys she picked. Let’s break it down.
Michael B. Jordan
Strong pick. Strooong pick. Dude’s hot. Can’t argue against it. He’s also a great actor, and seems like an all-around good dude. If my girlfriend came home and told me she had hooked up with Michael B. Jordan, my first reaction would be to ask if I can meet him. Maybe she does have good taste after all, despite all my evidence to the contrary.
First of all, I gotta give her props for truly not having a type. Those are as different two guys as she could have picked. Secondly, fuck this pick. By even putting Gerard Butler on her list, she’s emasculating me and degrading the very foundation our relationship stands on. Gerard Butler is all man. And not in the modern, in-touch with his feelings, loving husband kind of way. The dude’s got a thick mane of chest hair. His accent can get women pregnant. Plus, I just googled him and found out he’s 49-fucking-years-old. Hell no. By even having this man on her list, she’s calling me a little boy. Forget what I said earlier about not having a type. Clearly, Gerard is her type, and she’s just settling for me. I won’t stand for it.
I mean, of course. Of course Ryan Reynolds is on her list. Find me a girl who claims she wouldn’t leave her boyfriend for Ryan Reynolds and I’ll show you a fucking liar. Sure, it’s a basic pick, but at the same time, it’s the right one. He’s funny, attractive, likeable, and by all accounts, a good husband and father. I get it. Also, and most importantly to me, he’s married, which gives me a non-zero chance at a revenge hookup with Blake Lively, which I think we can all agree is completely worth torpedoing my relationship for.
If your answer to this is “who?” then that makes two of us. Apparently this is some small name actor whose biggest role was John Tucker from John Tucker Must Die, and to this pick I say – bullshit. Bull. Shit.
Is this how my girlfriend felt when I picked the AT&T girl? This dude is not even that famous. She could probably meet him at a fucking California Pizza Kitchen. He’s not taking limos to high-end clubs. He doesn’t have a beach-side mansion. This guy probably lives in a modest two-bedroom condo in, like, East Burbank. Fuck that.
Also, and perhaps more importantly, this guy is, at best, one point more attractive than I am. Now, I get that my girlfriend picking this dude is not based on his current looks, but rather what he looked like in 2006 when John Tucker Must Die came out, but still. Even at his peak, this guy is pretty fucking bland. He’s a 5’10” brunette with a scruffy beard. I’m a 5’10”(ish) brunette with a scruffy beard. Does he have more abs than me? Of course, but so does everyone. That’s a very low bar to clear. In his prime, this dude is probably a 7.5/10. I like to think of myself as a strong 6.5/10, so you can understand how this pick is unacceptable. What a waste.
Luckily, I’m an understanding boyfriend, and despite the horrible choices being shown on her list, I’m willing to accept my girlfriend for all her flaws. What’s my list, you ask? The AT&T girl, Olivia Munn, Scarlet Johansson, and the GOAT, Margot Robbie. That’s right. The perfect list.