Monday morning, baby. What are we talking about? That’s right, gun control. Are guns tight as hell? Yes. Can’t deny it. Are they also incredibly dangerous killing machines that should be regulated? Also yes. But how? Strict background checks, mandatory training, and possible psychological evaluation? Sure. But that’s not all. There are also people that just, for a variety of reasons, should not own a machine capable of taking a life. These are those people.
Anyone who pours milk before the cereal
This is an easy choice. We shouldn’t allow serial killers (past or future) to own guns, and anyone that pours their milk into a bowl before their cereal is a serial killer. They may not have killed anyone yet, but their fate of ending up as the infamous subject of a future Netflix documentary is etched into the very fabric of the universe. This is as obvious of a sign of murderous intent as exists. No gun permit.
People who work out with sunglasses on
Thankfully, this is a very small segment of humanity, but nonetheless one that we need to ensure never owns a gun. If you wear sunglasses to the gym, there’s a 100% chance you’re also doing workouts that specifically train you to kill. There’s a guy at my gym who wears wrap-around Oakleys and exclusively does pull-ups, push-ups, and shadow-boxes while doing sit-ups. That’s a prison workout. These people are training to be assassins, and I don’t want to make their job any easier for them. No guns.
People who sneeze into their hands
If you sneeze into your hands, you either don’t know or don’t care that you’re willfully spreading disease and sickness, and both options should stop you from being allowed to own a firearm. If you’re too dumb to know that sneezing into your hands is how we got the black plague, you’re too dumb to own a gun. If you know you’re being patient zero and just don’t care, you’re a sociopath who lacks the amount of empathy it would take not to shoot people for fun. Definitely no guns.
Anyone who used to flip their eyelids inside out in middle school
A recent study that totally exists and I’m not just making up shows that 100% kids who used to flip their eyelids in middle school end up in prison. That’s just a fact. By not allowing those people to own guns I think we can reduce crime in this country by up to 40%. This is just a smart statistical move. No guns.
Anyone who currently lives, has lived, or will live in the state of Florida
I don’t know what it is about Florida, but the people from that state are absolutely insane. I don’t know if it’s the heat and humidity or the fact that the population is descended from an ancient tribe of swamp people, but everyone who live or has lived there is a few beers shy of a six pack. Think about the crimes we’ve heard coming out of that state. People on bath salts eating each other’s faces. People breaking out of prison. People braking into prison (ultimate psycho move). Just so many people getting arrested in strip clubs. Personally, I’m all for building a wall around the entire state, but until we can make that happen, let’s at least make sure they can’t get their hands on guns.
Anyone who has ever cried after losing a fight
I want to make it clear, this is not about discriminating against people who have lost fights. If you’ve been in more than five fights in your life and you’re adamant you’ve won all of them, either you’re only picking on guys smaller than you, or you’re lying, both of which make me not like you. However, if you’ve ever gotten your ass beat bad to the point where you started crying in public, that moment has been etched into your soul, and I don’t trust you not to go on a murder spree to try and make up for that embarrassment. I don’t know what our current laws are, but if you’re a gun store owner and a guy comes in with a busted face and tears in his eyes and tries to buy a gun, you should absolutely have the right to deny that sale. No good will come of it.
People who schedule 5pm Friday meetings
If there is a more accurate way to tell that someone has no value for people’s lives, I can’t think of one. Anyone who has no problem killing your weekend plans by scheduling a late meeting on a Friday will also have no problem killing someone for, like, taking too long with their drive-through order or something. Just no regard for anyone or anything. Absolutely should not own guns.
Loving husband. Great father. Fantastic writer. Absolutely should not own any guns. Anyone that does this:
With their murder weapons should not be allowed to own them. Or maybe he’s the most qualified person to own them. He certainly seems to get the most pleasure out of them. Fuck it, I changed my mind. Delph is the only person that should be allowed to own guns.