America may have its fair share of problems, but one thing we got right is the idea that every day of the year should be a random national celebration. I don’t know who started this trend, but I’m all for it. Life is long, tiring, and at times, monotonous. Why not celebrate some random shit, like National Cereal Day? And what better a way to celebrate something by ranking them arbitrarily for the sole purpose of causing arguments online? Let’s get started.
10. Plain Cheerios
Unless you’re a literal baby, there’s no reason for you to be eating plain Cheerios. You’re a grown up. You can taste things. Don’t willfully subject yourself to eating soggy rings of cardboard.
9. Raisin Bran
Alright, I know I said you were an adult, but I didn’t mean you were an octogenarian. If you’re under 80-years-old, you don’t need to be eating a cereal that tastes like mothballs and hard candy. Raisins are objectively the worst fruit in existence and I don’t know what bran is, but it tastes like how it sounds. Bran. Braaaan. Gross.
8. Honey Nut Cheerios
Yes, this is a better choice than regular Cheerios, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good choice. This is like picking a hand job over dry humping. Sure, it’s better, but it’s still bad. And much like a hand job, the only way to get through it is to close your eyes and pretend like you’re eating a better cereal. Yeah I fantasize about cereal when I jerk off, what of it?
7. Cocoa Puffs
Actual unpopular opinion: Chocolate is not that good by itself. It needs to be complemented by another flavor for it to be palatable. Chocolate ice cream? Not good. Chocolate cereal? Not good. Chocolate milk? That’s a bad example, chocolate milk is amazing. The only reason Cocoa Puffs is this high on the list is because you can drink the chocolate milk in your bowl after eating it.
6. Lucky Charms
Lucky Charms is one of those cereals that always sounds better than it tastes. For those of you who are already jumping into the comments to yell at me, take a second to think hard. When you imagine the taste of Lucky Charms, what are you tasting? It’s the marshmallow pieces, right? And I agree, they are delicious. But what you’re actually going to be tasting is a bunch of cardboard with a hint of marshmallow in it. For every bowl that actually hits the right ratio of good cereal to bad cereal, you get five bowls that just leave you disappointed. Lucky Charms exist in a cereal purgatory, where they have a great potential, but one they can never truly live up to.
5. Fruit Loops
Fruit Loops are pretty good. They were pretty good when I was a kid, and they’re pretty good now. They’re never going to be my first choice, but I’m not going to be mad if that’s the box that’s sitting on the fridge (where good households keep cereal).
4. Frosted Mini Wheats
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Frosted Mini Wheats are simple, but well-crafted. They’re made of wheat and sugar, the two major food groups. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure wheat and sugar is all the body needs to run smoothly. No bran.
3. Frosted Flakes
This is just wheat and sugar, but in an easier to consume form. It’s also the most durable of the cereals. You can eat it while it’s still a little crunchy, you can eat it while it’s soggy, hell, you can eat it dry if you want. It’ll always taste good. Any cereal with the word “frosted” in its name is going to give you a good experience.
2. Honey Bunches of Oats
Is this just more expensive granola? Yes. But you know what, granola is delicious, and I don’t always feel like dodging yoga moms at Whole Foods just to pour grain into a bag like a farm animal. Sometimes I want to get my granola in a brightly colored box and know that I’m not going to take a yoga mat to the eye in the aisle. Not only is Honey Bunches of Oats delicious, it’s also hearty. This is one of the few cereals that don’t budge when you pour milk on them. You’ll be thinking you got a nice snack and then a bowl later you realize you just ate an entire farms worth of grains. Anything that tastes good and gets me full is good in my book.
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
The GOAT. You knew it was going to be #1, and if you didn’t you need to get your taste buds checked. Is that a thing that can even be done? Are there mouth doctors like there are eye doctors? I digress. The point is, CTC is the best cereal in existence and it’s not even close. The name says it all. Cinnamon? Delicious. Toast? A healthy filling snack. Crunch? The best mouthfeel possible. Cinnamon Toast Crunch truly has it all.
Happy National Cereal Day. Now go celebrate.