Have you guys heard of Twitter? It’s this site/app/beautiful abomination where people can all put their dumbest thoughts online for everyone else in the fucking world to see. Needless to say, I’m a big fan. I’m not a big fan, however, of the newest trend that everyone has latched onto in a desperate attempt to reach Twitter nirvana (go mega-viral). People have been sharing their “unpopular opinions” on topics from food to cars to relationships to pretty much everything under the sun. Sounds great, right? Add a little discourse to the site? Start a dialogue? Wrong. What people are actually doing is just tweeting very popular opinions and cashing in on those sweet, sweet likes and retweets. Some examples:
This is a very popular and in fact, agreed upon, opinion.
Such a controversial yet brave opinion. It’s not like the whole northeast has based their entire personas on this claim or anything.
Congratulations on owning working taste buds like every other human in existence, I think. (Are there people that are born without taste buds? I don’t want to be discriminatory).
This isn’t even an opinion, it’s a fact. Those shoes look like what your grandpa wears when he needs extra grip on the shuffleboard court.
Much like the rest of the internet, I’m sick of these fake unpopular opinions. So obviously, I’m jumping on the trend. As evidenced by the brouhaha caused by my chip ranking tweet yesterday, many of my opinions are unpopular. And I’m here to share them. Let’s dive in.
Unpopular Opinion: Cheese Isn’t Good
Oh yeah. Breathe that in. Breathe it in deep. That’s the smell of a real unpopular opinion. Let the hate comments begin. But seriously, cheese sucks. It smells and tastes like it’s rotten, because it is. Cheese is what happens when you take milk (delicious) and let it go bad until it forms a rind and gets moldy (not delicious). “But Noam, there are so many types of cheese? How can you say they all suck?” You ask. Easily. Like this. All cheese sucks. The only time I’ll stomach is it if it’s A) mozzarella, the lease cheesy of the cheeses, and B) combined with tomato sauce. Pizza is good. Mozz sticks are good. All other cheese and cheese-based dishes can suck it.
Unpopular Opinion: Teslas Are Ugly
I don’t know if this is just feels like an unpopular opinion because I’m from Silicon Valley where everyone is ready to drop to their knees and fellate Elon Musk at any given moment, but his cars look lame as hell. Do they work well? I don’t know shit about cars, but my friends who have them seem happy. Is Tesla a cool company? I mean, they’re pretentious and lie about their social conscientiousness, but so does every company we love, so, sure. Do I love Elon Musk? Absolutely. Not because I think he’s a genius, but because I think nerds that suddenly got rich and famous are the funniest fucking people on the planet. It’s the perfect marriage of not knowing how to act cool and having the means to be the biggest try hard of all time. Getting fired from your company for setting the target stock price at $420 (the weed number, get it?) to try and impress your goth girlfriend is such an uncool move it’s approaching cool from the other side. The dude is an entertainment factory. That being said, his cars look like shit. Teslas look like a Corvette had a baby with a Prius and that baby got all the bad genes. Even the logo is dumb. Not a fan.
Unpopular Opinion: Selfie Sticks Are Tight
This is tough to classify as unpopular because, by all metrics, the selfie-stick business is booming. However, in the court of public opinion, selfie sticks have been getting absolutely shit on since the day they were invented, so I’m counting my opposing opinion as unpopular. Are these devices annoying to others and a little unwieldy? Sure. But you know what’s more annoying to others? Asking them to take a picture of you. They have to pretend they’re not bothered while trying to find out the bare minimum amount of time they can spend taking these photos without seeming rude. “I took a bunch just to make sure” is code for “I held down the camera button so you’ll feel guilty about asking me to take another.” “Check them to make sure you like them,” people will say, as if you’d have the balls to tell them the picture sucks and to take another. If you’ve ever asked a stranger to take another photo of you because the first one they took wasn’t good enough, you’re a pyscho and I respect you.
On the other hand, selfie sticks give you all the time you need. They don’t judge you for using different angles and camera options. They put you back in control of the photo, while also giving you a quality picture you can use. Remember, memories are meaningless unless you can show them off to all your Instagram friends.
Unpopular Opinion: Flossing Is Unnecessary
I’ve flossed my teeth precisely zero times in my life, and when I went to the dentist last year (for the first time in five years), I was told I had, and I quote, “perfect teeth.” That’s all the information I need to make my opinion. As best I can tell, the secret to having great teeth is simple: Have good teeth genes and keep basic hygiene. Pulling a weird minty string through your teeth is not only bizarre, I don’t think it makes that much of a difference.
And that’s how you expose your unpopular opinions to the world, Twitter. Take note.