The Angels are officially finalizing Mike Trout’s contract extension and it’s, to use the proper journalistic language, fucking insane. According to ESPN, the 27-year-old center fielder is going to be making $430 million over 12 years. Four hundred and thirty fucking million dollars. As a slightly-less-athletic 27-year-old, that number is outrageous. But is it unimaginable? Absolutely not. I can picture it in my head clear as day. I already have a wish list ready to go on Amazon, and I’m sure Mikey is no different. Here are all the the things he could buy with his new money.
$430 million is more than the GDP of about two-thirds of the states in these United States. Is Trout a big skier? Just buy Colorado. Does he love the ocean? He can get Hawaii for a mere $90 mil. Shit, he could buy the entire states of Maine, Rhode Island, North Dakota, Alaska, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, and Vermont, and still have enough cash left over to buy a house in a state he actually want to live in.
Editor’s note: We know that’s not how GDPs work. Just humor him.
A Private Trip Around The Moon
For just the low cost of his entire new contract, Mr. Trout could buy one round trip ticket to the fucking moon. Well, not to the moon, but he could watch it go past on a SpaceX tour, which were announced to begin in 2018, but knowing Elon Musk, will happen sometime in the next few years. Sure, this would mean Mike essentially plays for free for the next decade-plus, but isn’t that worth it for a few days in space? I bet they even let you keep the space suit, which will be sure to be a big hit at all the parties that Mike Trout doesn’t go to.
Pay Off 11,500 People’s Student Loans
I’m not willing to do any research on the subject, but I’m willing to bet Mike Trout doesn’t have any student loan debt. However, he seems like a nice guy, so maybe with his new raise he’ll help out us little people. With what he’s making over the next 12 years he can help unburden over ten thousand people from the soul-crushing debt they had to take on just to get a college degree. Here’s hoping.
43 Million Mike Trout Jerseys
Mike Trout is a baseball god. That’s undeniable. But you know what else he is? Super fucking boring. And that’s fine. Not everyone is exciting, flashy, or loves the spotlight. But those are the guys that people root for. There’s a reason that no one outside of Anaheim has a Trout jersey. Maybe if he buys all of his own jerseys and resells them for cheaper, he can get more people wearing his last name, and therefore, more fans. Seems like a stretch, but it’s not like he can buy a new personality.
Whatever He Wants
$430 million is an ungodly amount of money. Unless he actively tries to spend it all, the Trout lineage will never be wanting for finances. His great-great-grand-children will be millionaires. He’s set for life.
Tell your kids to play baseball, folks.