Coworkers Say the Darndest Things

My coworker is making my life a living hell.

That’s probably not rare for many of you but this isn’t due to incompetency, standoffishness or undue positivity. To be entirely honest, I love my job. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Burger King started selling ten chicken nuggs for only $1.49 at participating locations. It’s like the end of every episode of The Rookie starring Nathan Fillion where he learns something and also proves himself to his fellow officers despite his advanced age and also catches the big game winning touchdown. I haven’t seen the show.

 Anyway, this guy is way worse.

My man is so freakishly naïve that he doesn’t listen to a word he’s actually saying. There are the more acceptable statements he makes like “I blew that one” or “Shit” really loud like four times a day (instead of under his breath like a normal person). Then there’s the big one.

Let’s look at the tape.

Culprit: 23 year old. Editorial staff.

What he says: “I’m gonna go crank.”

What he means: “I’m going to go write some things to make this company better.”

What I hear: “I’m going to jerk it in the bathroom.”

At first I thought this was a one-time thing. Then he said it the next day. You know how that story ends. Every single day since I’ve started this guy says “I’m gonna go crank” anytime he refers to doing his job. We haven’t broached the subject to him because, quite frankly, it’s hilarious. With that being said, it’s real hard not to go full Jimmy Fallon every time I know it is coming.

Crank is an entirely innocuous term, yes. Usually it’s associated with twisting, stroking or otherwise  jostling a lever or other protruding handle. A shaft if you will. It’s an act that requires a great deal of fortitude and a hands on approach.

Scratch that. Crank is no longer an innocuous term. Crank is a term reserved for giving yourself relief in the shelter of a stall where most people go to hide and watch videos for 30 to 60 minutes a day. It’s a place where we can’t see and God can’t either. Sicko.

Sure, go “crank” out a piece about a new tight end who’s always open for the long ball. Pervert.

I figured I couldn’t be the only one suffering from this kind of hostile work environment so I reached out to you, dear audience, for your experiences. I also took it to the other writers. This one’s from Clock Out capo Cush.

“Co-worker referred to a meeting at 12:00pm as a “nooner” one time. Everyone, including him, is well aware of the implications of such a label, but all meetings in that time slot have been referred to as nooners ever since.”

Our last one comes from Twitter dot com user leo_haenni80 who says:

“British coworker sometimes call touching something ‘fingering’. Unreal to hear him complain about Panera employes ‘fingering his bread.’”

The British accent is undeniably attractive, but I don’t think anything would break that spell faster than a person saying “that bloke fingered my bread.” Fingered in general is a ridiculous word. The first jackass who gave it the original meaning of “identifying a person, place or thing” one hundo p knew it was going to turn into the ooey gooey verb it is now. I salute her.

As for your mate from across the pond, slip the guy at Krispy Kreme an extra fiver to graze a doughnut hole with his thumb next time you two grab breakfast. Then start recording and watch the magic happen.

Maybe it’s a personal problem or maybe coworkers are just oblivious nincompoops. Maybe they’re screwing with us and we’re the real idiots. All I know is, as annoying as it is having to hold your breath every time someone says they made a boner, it sure beats the hell out of some dinkus at the water cooler talking about his busted bracket.


  1. Your coworker knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s aware of the connotations. This is his rush. His drug. He’s found the line where he can say shit like that without getting in trouble with HR. I respect it.

    None of my coworkers say weird shit like yours, except this one lady that mispronounces certain words and it drives us all up the wall.


  2. A while back we hired a guy that ended up sitting in the cube next to mine. No joke, this guy legitimately has a minimum of 3-4 complete meltdowns a week that are usually triggered by his conversations with clients or problems with his roommates. At first, everyone around (including myself) thought it was entertaining but that got old pretty quick and eventually it just became irritating. The other ridiculous part is that this guy loves to try to find people in the office that will listen to his rants when it’s fairly clear that no one gives a flying fuck. About a month ago we moved offices and I now sit in an area with about three rows of cubes between me and him. Sitting at my current desk is now pure bliss but I definitely feel bad for his new neighbors.


  3. me and my pals at work toss around “nooner” when we eat lunch or if we have noon meetings and it’s hilarious. of course we all do it purposefully, but it will always be funny. Might have to start introducing “gonna go crank” into the rotation.


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