It’s no secret that we at The Clock Out love, and I mean LOVE, dogs. (Have you seen our Pet of the Week column?) We swoon over dog Twitter and shamelessly follow dog Instagrams just like every basic bitch in the world who wears her Dog Mom sweatshirt to brunch and doesn’t see anything wrong with it. To be clear, liking puppers isn’t a personality trait, but I’m not mad about seeing constant puppy posts and will always have audible outbursts of joy when they grace my screen.
So needless to say, when the American Kennel Club released their annual list of most popular dog breeds, I was excited to see what doggos made the list. And TBH I was excited to judge the choices of my fellow Americans based on nothing but personal opinion. All dogs are the best and greatest, but let’s break it down.
#1 – Labrador Retrievers
The first thing to note is that labs have taken to top spot in this ranking for the past 28 years. TWENTY EIGHT YEARS. These pups have been first in the heart of Americans for almost my entire existence. V impressive considering the competitive field. My family has had two labs, a black and a yellow, since I have been around, and they are so sweet and smart. I wouldn’t say they are my favorite breed overall, but they are my favorite dog that I have personally owned, so I support this decision.
#2 – German Shepherds
Although I think German Shepherds are super cute especially as puppies with their doofy giant ears, I am surprised that these guys take the #2 spot. I’ve heard they’re great family dogs, but are there that many families scrabbling to get their hands on one? Are we sure this ranking isn’t rigged by the police and their love of German Shepherds as drug dogs etc? Not convinced they deserve the silver medal.
#3 – Golden Retrievers
Ah, yes, the quintessential happy family on the cover of an L.L. Bean catalog dog. Admittedly, perhaps the most basic of dog breeds, I really don’t care because I love a golden. My first childhood dog was a lovely golden retriever named Maggie who shed like none other, but let you nap on her without moving an inch. They’re the cutest fluffy little puppies, they come in a variety of pretty shades, they’re smart and simply a classic dog that is a fantastic companion. Cliché, but no shame, this ranking makes complete sense.
#4 – French Bulldogs
The Frenchie is drastically on the upswing in popularity lately. From clothing to home décor to all over the Internet, they’re like the cool new girl at school that everyone fawns over for awhile until the newness wears off. Don’t get me wrong, they are cute puppies, but I don’t get the draw and I wouldn’t want to own one. Ironically, this is my boyfriend’s dream dog and I have made fun of him for months about it. I would personally probably rank them higher simply due to the fact that they are all over the freaking place, but top 5 is acceptable.
#5 – Bulldogs
Not as cool as their French cousins, the regular bulldogs take the 5th place ranking. I like bulldogs because they’re so squishy looking with their fat rolls and drooly faces it makes me want to cuddle them. Another cute thing I never want to own. Do I think they deserve this placement? Not really, but I think their stock is clearly on the rise.
#6 – Beagles
Depicted often in cartoon form ala Snoopy and Odie, beagles are the droopy-eared dogs that make me think of simpler times before IPads were attached to every child’s face and kids spent summer afternoons running and playing in the backyard. When I was in elementary school my neighbors had a beagle who was the saddest looking, sweet thing you could imagine and she made their large family so happy. Beagles don’t really do anything for me, but I get the family draw, so I guess middle of the pack is acceptable.
#7 – Poodles
Who the hell has a poodle? How did this poor excuse for a dog make the top 10 list? This is the only ranking that I am outraged about. Why are poodles still popular? I don’t know anyone who likes them let alone owns one. How did this happen? More importantly, how did poodles beat out some of the other amazing breed options? Corgis, dalmations, huskies, the list could go on and on of way better dogs. This ranking is bullshit.
#8 – Rottweilers
Rottweilers are one of those dogs that are simultaneously adorable and murderous in appearance. So cute, but if they wanted to, could rip your face off at a moment’s notice. And it is for this reason that I’m surprised they are ranked in the top 10 at all because I thought they kinda shared a similar fate to pitbulls. My fam does have a Christmas ornament of a rottweiler named Carl that we put on our tree every year and TBH it’s adorbs. In the end, rottweilers are loveable, yes, but not the first thing that pops into my head for popular.
#9 – German Shorthaired Pointers
Traditionally a hunting dog, the German shorthaired pointer comes in ninth place and is another one that surprises me at its popularity. Are there that many people that own one of these dogs? Are so many hunters running the show on this one that they topped the typical Insta-famous breeds? I mean, they’re sorta cute in grumpy old man way, but I don’t get it.
#10 – Yorkshire Terriers
In last place we have the yappy, long-haired Yorkshire terrier. Yuck. Look, if you’re going to get a little dog, can’t you at least get something cooler like a Jack Russell or a Scottish terrier? These dogs always look like girl dogs even if they’re boys due to the often use of bows in the hair, and I feel like there are a lot of wives forcing their husbands into getting one. Once again I find myself asking how this breed made the cut.
And there you have it. A few predictables in the top spots, some confusing stuff in the middle, and a couple of “who let this happens?” rounding out the group. But of course, at the end of the day, all doggos take first place in our hearts.