My Battle With Domino’s Pizza

Living in a remote area definitely comes with its negatives, and one of those negatives is the lack of access to prepared food. The only thing near my house is a Subway and the only place that will deliver to me is a Domino’s about 15 minutes away. I appreciate their devotion to bringing my pizza to me, but I have recently lost my appreciation for what their food does to my digestive system. I am hereby terminating my relationship with Domino’s Pizza. 

Over time I have discovered a direct relationship between when I eat Domino’s and when I get horrible diarrhea. In fact, the past 26 times I have eaten Domino’s, I got diarrhea. I told myself if the streak ever caught up to my age that I would finally believe that Domino’s is the bad guy. Today is that day, and I am proud of myself for ending this toxic relationship.

At first I thought it was a specific ingredient, so I tried multiple toppings combinations to see if anything would help. Unsuccessful. Then I thought it could be their garlic-heavy signature crust, as garlic can be an ingredient responsible for many stomach ailments. I tried to start ordering the pan pizza and pay the extra dollar to solve my problem. That has also been largely unsuccessful. I’ve tried their pizza. I’ve tried their pasta. I’ve tried their subs. I cannot find anything from Domino’s that does not immediately turn my stomach into a volcano. I give up.

What is my lazy ass supposed to order for delivery now? I don’t have time mid work day to venture out into civilization to grab lunch and I’m also too lazy to fix something at home every single day. Sometimes you just need something delivered. And I don’t have Grubhub, Uber Eats, or any of that city shit y’all got. This is some horse shit!

The only other plan of action I can consider is to find an individual and pay them to go and get me food whenever I request them to do so. Currently I am still working on the budget for this but the idea is in the works. I’m considering making this my own app. I’m talking a rural version of Grubhub. If anyone wants to make an app, holla at me on Twitter. Until then I will live with Domino’s diarrhea. 


  1. Funny, I found this story while googling “dominos gives me diarrhea” and pooping at 5:53 am.
    I had Dominos for dinner, and sure enough, like clockwork, here I am decorating the porcelain.


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