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A Girl’s Guide to Surviving The Masters

I am not a big fan of golf. I know, I know throw your hatred my way with as much force as your angry fingers can type. I simply have never understood the draw, and the one time I attempted to hit a ball way back in the day I recall it didn’t go well. Honestly, I’m more interested in the drink beer and drive the cart aspect of things.

That being said I normally would not care about the fact that The Masters has arrived, but I have found myself in a position where I can’t overlook it. You see, my significant other is a golf pro and gets more excited about The Masters than he does about getting a blowjob. He literally has outbursts of delight when the commercials grace the television screen.

This year happens to be my third run in with his reactions to the event and after screwing up the first time around (more on that later), I redeemed myself last year and have decided to offer my advice to the ladies out there who just want to make it through this April’s quest for the green jacket.

Single and ready to mingle?

If you’re in the relationship free zone, congratulations! You’re in the lucky position of easily avoiding everything Masters related should you so choose! You can ignore the fact that a bunch of grown men are spending days following a tiny white ball around in the hopes of getting it into a hole. (Insert overplayed sex joke here.) Do whatever it is you normally do and you’ll be fine.

Now, on the other hand of the single spectrum are those of you who want to take advantage of this particular set of early spring days. And since golf is one of those sports that draws in all kinds of dudes, this is prime time to hit up the bars and have lots of options in one place.

*Disclaimer: if you meet someone out and about during The Masters and it actually goes somewhere, that means you will need to refer to the survival tips in the relationship portion of this piece for next year.

Get out there and chat up those fish in a golf-entranced barrel. Ask them about their game, keep it quiet when Tiger is playing, and you should be good to go!

Relationshipped up?

So you have yourself a significant other who is passionate about The Masters. How you respond to this interest is unfortunately based on how they would like you to respond aka do they care if you participate in the viewing of this annual event.

For those of you with a husband, boyfriend, sorta dating man-friend who could care less if you position yourself on the couch next to them from April 11th to 14th, this is like any other important sporting event you encounter throughout the year. Know that they’ll be occupied, distracted, and generally not focused on much else that happens for these few days. Let them have their space while you do all the girly stuff they roll their eyes at whenever you bring it up. I’m talking spa day, shopping excursion, or even a little weekend getaway with your bestie. They get the tv and you get out of the house so you don’t have to hear the groans that accompany a less than stellar putt.

If, however, your bae is like mine and actually wants you to partake in watching this tradition unlike any other (despite your minimal golf knowledge), my advice is to embrace it and slide into the skid.

This is a lesson I did not take two years ago when hungover me decided the bf didn’t care if I was watching so I thought I would nap through the final round. Little did I know this choice would come back and haunt me almost every time golf is mentioned. Which is hella often considering it’s literally his job. At this rate it’s going to stick with us until we break up or one of us dies, whichever comes first.

Heed my warning and go all out. Yep, throw yourself a Masters viewing party. Try pimento and cheese sandwiches, Southern cocktails, golf ball cookies, and jello shots that look like mini putting greens. If you want to get crazy, add in a costume aspect and make everyone dress up like their favorite golfer. Alcohol and some friends really do make everything better.

For a calmer version of this idea, simply supplying snacks and beverages for the two of you shows that you’re trying to be supportive. Make it a drinking game and get day drunk in the comfort of your living room with your favorite person by your side. You might even learn something.

Once a year The Masters turns the men in your life into drooling fan girls fawning over winning a piece of clothing. It isn’t pretty, but hopefully now you know how to make the best of it. A little preparation, a touch of alcohol, and together we can get through this thing. See you on the other side.  

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