If you’re reading this blog, you’re old enough to know that hangovers are just an unfortunate part of life. If you’re not old enough to know that, get off the laptop your parents bought you as a middle school graduation present and go study for your SATs. Grownups are talking. The point is, hangovers are inevitable. But not all hangovers are the same. There are levels to this shit. And with each different type, you need a different treatment. Are these treatments going to cure your illness? No. Unfortunately, a hangover cure is still science fiction. I know I used the word “cure” in the title, but frankly, that’s your fault for falling for click-bait. All I can offer are remedies to help minimize the pain. Check them out.
Class 1 Hangover
Symptoms: Mild headache, tiredness, irritation.
That’s right. The thing you want to do least right now. It may seem counterintuitive to fight dehydration with more dehydration, but it works. Honestly, you shouldn’t even have a hangover right now. You had maybe 3 IPAs last night, and the fact that your body is treating acting like you poisoned yourself is embarrassing. That’s exactly why exercise helps. Your body knows it’s acting like a little bitch right now, and sometimes tough love is all you need. Make it run, elliptical, or bike for 20 hard minutes and it’ll realize the error of its ways and stop feeling bad for itself. Or maybe it’s just endorphins. Both scientifically valid theories.
Class 2 Hangover
Symptoms: Headache, mild nausea, inability to focus.
This is the treatment you were hoping for. This is a hell of a lot more fun than exercise, and probably something you were already self-medicating with. Pizza. Pasta. A bread bowl. Literally just a loaf of sourdough eaten on the couch. Whatever your favorite carb is, now’s the time to stuff your face with it. Not to get too scientific here, but alcohol is a liquid. That liquid resides in your stomach. Bread (the layman’s term for carbs) is a spongy substance. By ingesting it, you’re giving your body a way to sop up all the liquor and remove it from your stomach and/or bloodstream. Science.
Class 3 Hangover
Symptoms: Headache, nausea, anxiety, emotional fragility.
Treatment: A sad, yet uplifting movie
Did you do some regrettable and embarrassing things last night? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It doesn’t matter, because to your dopamine-barren brain, you’re the worst person that has ever existed. Yes, worse than Hitler. Hitler never had the audacity to forget their card at the bar. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself that everyone was drunk last night and you didn’t even do anything embarrassing, your brain will whisper insecurities back until you’re on the verge of a panic attack because no one’s texted you in the 35 minutes you’ve been awake and that’s a clear sign all your friends hate you.
Once again, it’s time to steer into the skid. You wouldn’t think that making an emotionally-fragile person watch Up is a smart idea, but you’d be wrong. You need that final push to get you to break down so you can begin to build back up. Your brain can’t start producing good chemicals until it’s flooded with bad chemicals. Take an O-Chem class one time. Get on Netflix and find a movie that’ll make you cry, and then smile. Cinderella Man. The Pursuit of Happyness. Any Disney movie. Just make sure to hydrate so you don’t lose what’s left of your electrolytes to your tear-soaked pillow.
Class 4 Hangover
Symptoms: Throwing up, the shakes, the spins, general fear.
I realize many of you are probably saying this doesn’t sound like a medically-sound treatment. And to that, I say – get over yourself. I’m not trying to make you healthier or live longer. You made your choice when you decided to take well Tequila shots are 3:15am. There’s no ginger-kale smoothie that’s going to make you feel better. There isn’t a magical stretch that’ll ease your battered body. This treatment is by no means good for you. But it will make you feel better. Whether it’s Xanex, weed, or a half of a Vicodin followed by a small whiskey-water (don’t knock it ‘til you try it), medicate however you have to in order to weather the storm. Doctor’s orders.
Class 5 Hangover
Symptoms: Inability to move, inability to ingest, inability to do anything.
I mean, this one’s not hard to treat. Since you can’t eat, drink, or sit up in bed without feeling like you’re going to die, I guess all you can do is sleep. Put yourself into a hangover-induced coma and pray that when you wake up life is better. Maybe don’t go to Vegas anymore. Good luck and godspeed.