Columns

Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Lost Games, Lost Money, Lost Penises

Do you ever have a day that you are just in a foul mood for absolutely no reason? That was me on Sunday. I was simply pissed and I won’t apologize for it. We all have a day that we have our pissy-pants on and we just want to be left alone. So if there’s an edge to this column this week, deal with it. Let’s go.

Coachella Attendees

At Coachella last weekend? You may be fighting an STD this weekend.

A website that diagnoses and treats herpes, the aptly named Herp Alert, has reported that between the two weekends of Coachella, they’ve responded to 250 herpes cases per day; the average is 12.

In case you were there and are wondering, WebMD sites the symptoms of herpes as:

  • Cracked, raw, or red areas around your genitals without pain, itching, or tingling
  • Itching or tingling around your genitals or your anal region
  • Small blisters that break open and cause painful sores. These may be on or around your genitals (penis or vagina) or on your buttocks, thighs, or rectal area. More rarely, blisters may occur inside the urethra — the tube urine passes through on its way out of your body.
  • Pain from urine passing over the sores — this is especially a problem in women.
  • Headaches
  • Backaches
  • Flu-like symptoms, including fever, swollen lymph nodes, and fatigue

Sounds pleasant. [Via Meredith]

Caleb Wilson

You’re 21. You’ve waited your entire life (thus far) for this moment. Your dream comes true – you’re picked by a NFL team in the NFL draft. And then you’re tagged with the unfortunate moniker Mr. Irrelevant.

This year’s Mr. Irrelevant, the 254th and final pick in the NFL draft, is Caleb Wilson, a tight end from UCLA. Luckily, Wilson has a good attitude – he’s just grateful he was chosen at all.

And it’s not all bad being Mr. Irrelevant: in addition to being picked, Wilson (whose dad is a defensive line coach for the the Philadelphia Eagles) will get a trip to Newport Beach, California, to attend “Irrelevant Week,” and will be honored with the 44th Lowsman Trophy, which features a figuring who’s fumbling a football.

“I just embrace it,” Wilson said on a conference call after being chosen, according to ESPN. “All I needed was my name to get called and the opportunity. It’s a lifelong dream as a kid to be picked in the NFL draft, so just to see my name pop up on the screen and the happiness on my family’s face. I just embraced it all. It’s an honor, to be honest.”

You know what? Dwayne Haskins could learn a lesson in gratefulness from Caleb. [Via ESPN]

This Guy

Ever leave something to top of your car or on your bumper and driven off? Let me know in the comments. But I’m sure it wasn’t quite up to what this driver in Michigan lost.

On Thursday, police in Grand Haven, MI responded after reports that traffic on Route 31 was backing up as motorists stopped to pick up money that was “strewn in the roadway.” Turns out that a cardboard box full of approximately $30,000 cash had fallen from the back of an unidentified man’s truck and motorists had stopped to collect it.

But all is not lost, literally – according to CNN, officers recovered about $2,470 from the scene and asked anyone who had picked up other bills to take the cash to the Grand Haven Department of Public Safety; a number of people who had brought in cash, including one woman who returned $3,880 and two 17-year-olds who handed in $630.

Kind of restores your faith in humanity, doesn’t it? [Via CNN]

Brazilian Dudes

Honestly, the headline here just grabbed me:

Brazil’s president says 1,000 penises amputated every year due to bad hygiene

What the actual fuck?

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro told reporters on Thursday that “In Brazil, we have 1,000 penis amputations a year due to a lack of water and soap. We have to find a way to get out of the bottom of this hole.”  No one is exactly sure where Bolsonaro (who is known for making some wacky statements) got this information, but The New York Post said that “a spokeswoman for the Brazilian urology society said the figure was based on official data for penis amputations, which were necessitated by untreatable infections along with cancers and complications from HIV.”

For comparison’s sake, I did try and google how many penises are amputated in the U.S. annually, but I couldn’t find it. And you know what? I’m ok with that. [Via New York Post]

The Milwaukee Bucks

The Greek Freak was no match for my beloved Celtics.

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