As of today, May 1st, 2019, I have officially been living with my girlfriend for four months. Four whole months. It may not sound like much, but as someone who’s never taken that step in a relationship, it was a big jump. Take that, my high school ex who said my “fear of commitment would stop me from ever having a meaningful relationship.” It only took me a decade, but I proved you wrong!
That’s not to say taking this step didn’t come with some challenges, however. I’ve already talked about all the useless stuff my girlfriend moved into our place and complained about all the changes she made, but that’s in the past. The new me is accustomed to living with a girlfriend. Nothing phases me. I have no complaints. I do, however, have some questions for her.
How many bobby pins do you go through a year?
It seems like every time I look around our apartment, I find a new bobby pin. This isn’t a complaint. I’m not complaining. It’s merely an observation. I have observed that you seem to leave bobby pins scattered everywhere, all the time, and I’m just curious, from a number’s perspective, how many you think you go through annually. It has to be in the thousands range, right? It feels like anything less is just a lie you tell yourself to deny the fact that you’re spending hundreds of dollars (I have no idea how much bobby pins cost) on tiny trinkets to make your hair look good (I have no idea what bobby pins do). I can’t think of a similar product from a guy’s perspective, so I can’t put really myself in your shoes.
How can you honestly expect me to not use your shampoo?
Look, I know stealing is wrong. It’s in the bible. I’m not here to debate the morality of my actions. All I’m asking is how can you expect me to abstain from theft when your shampoos are just sitting there, taunting me with their fancy ingredients and aromatic scents?
“Oh, look at me,” those hussy bottles are saying. “I smell like lavender and pomegranate and have special active ingredients that promote hair health and shine. What does you 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner do?”
That’s right. I’m having conversations with your shampoo bottles. I try to stick to my own products, but the temptation is simply too great. Shit, you even have special shampoo with biotin that helps promote hair growth! What do you need more hair for? You has more than enough! They coat the whole apartment! I, on the other hand, have been fighting a losing battle with my hairline since I turned 25. Yeah. I steal your shampoo, and I steal your body wash too. My skin has never been smoother. I’m not even sorry.
What’s with all the fruit?
Your love of fruit isn’t bad, per se, but it is kind of weird. Don’t get me wrong, fruit is great, but it’s definitely not one of the best food groups. It’s also the only food group you can’t make meals out. Give me a bunch of veggies and I can make a salad. Give me grains and I can make anything. Give me a steak and I can make…steak. Give me a bunch of fruits and I can have something nice to snack on while I wait for my meal, I guess? I love a good pineapple, but it seems like an expensive way to not fill me up at all. All I know is that when I look at my side of the fridge or pantry, I see good, filling foods like ground beef and pasta and more ground beef and some more pasta, and on your side, all I see is three half-finished, half-rotting strawberry containers, and it raises questions. What do you eat? How do you have the energy to live? Can I have some strawberries?
Is this alarm routine going to continue?
Once again, I must preface this by saying I’m not complaining. We’re in a loving relationship and I know we’re focused on growing together, not bringing each other down. That being said, I’m simply wondering if you’re planning on continuing to set, and then snooze, four different alarms every morning. It just seems unnecessary, is all. I know we agreed it’s impossible to decide who’s routine is better, as per our argument last month, but I just feel like, perhaps, it’s a little more efficient to maybe just have less alarms and actually…wake up…when they go off?
Fuck it, I can’t take it anymore. Your alarm system is dumb, and I’d be doing our relationship a disservice by not calling it what it is. Four alarms? All going off five minutes apart? And then being snoozed so they become staggered and we listen to them over and over again for an hour until you finally get up? That may have worked for you when you lived alone, but not anymore. I know I wake up three hours after you, but with your litany of alarms, that gets cut down to a mere two, and that’s not enough for me. Daddy needs his beauty rest. Yes, I know we agreed I’d stop referring myself to Daddy after the Valentine’s Day incident, but I don’t care. Daddy’s back.