Grown Up Stuff I’ve Started Doing Now That I’m An Old, Old Man

Well, it’s official. I’m no longer a young buck. I found my first gray hair in my beard this morning, and after only 2 – 4 hours of sobbing on the bathroom floor, I’ve accepted my new status as a grown man with poise and dignity. That’s right. I’m going to get rip-roaring drunk tonight and buy a pack of Just For Men beard dye. Sadly, that gray hair wasn’t my first hint that I’ve matured. Ever since I crested the peak of my 20s, I’ve noticed some habit changes. Am I still somewhat of a man-child who makes poor decisions with no thought towards the consequences? Sometimes. But I’ve also started doing some grown up stuff as well. Here are some examples.

I Paid Off A Parking Ticket The Day I Got It

I see many of you shaking your heads at this. “Of course you did,” you say in your obnoxious, nasally voices. “You have to pay it off in the first ten days or the price doubles. Why would you wait for it to become more expensive?” And to that, I say…I don’t know, man. Because I didn’t want to pay it? Because I told myself I would do it the next day and then forgot? Because parking tickets are inherently BULLSHIT PROPAGATED BY BIG PARKING TO KEEP US FROM NAVIGATING A CITY EFFICIENTLY?! But in all honesty, probably just laziness. The point is, I’ve grown since then. I no longer let my tickets age like a fine wine.

I’m Actually Listening To My Doctors

I think my skepticism of doctors has been well noted in my writing, but in case you missed it, here’s what I think: There are a lot of shitty doctors out there who don’t know how to diagnose anything more severe or rare than the common flu. I’ve had a myriad of health problems over the years (some real, some imagined), and more often than not, doctors have not been a huge help. However, it’s time to take the high road and admit I, too, have not been doing my part. For most of my life, I’ve been ignoring doctor and physical therapist treatment regiments, and given the state of my back and knees, I gotta say it hasn’t worked out that well. But that’s all changed now. Ever since my hip surgery a couple years ago, I’ve accepted the fact that ignoring my issues will not make them go away. Maxing out on lifts is officially out, and maximizing my flexibility is in. Jumping right into a rec game with zero warm up is no longer an option. It’s time to listen to my body, and my doctors, and actually work on getting better. What I’m saying is I stretch now.

I Can’t Stop Checking My Credit Score

This is less of a glow-up and more of a cry for help. Do I have a solid credit score? You’re damn right I do. I’ve been holding strong in the mid-780s for the last several months, and I’m not going to lie, I’m proud of it. However, my increasing need to check it has become unhealthy. It used to be an “every time Bank of America emailed me” thing, and then a “once a month check-in” thing, but now, well, now it’s gone too far. I’m ashamed to admit I check my credit score probably once a week. Do credit scores change in that short of a time? No. And I don’t even care. I’m not checking it to see if it’s changed. I’m just checking it to beam in pride, like a young parent can’t stop looking at pictures of their newborn infant. Except in my case, my baby is actually an accomplishment. But that’s not the point. The point is I’ve become too infatuated with a number that, even a few years ago, I never thought about. I’ve grown. Just like my credit score.

I’ve Started Drinking Water

Ok, granted, I know this isn’t a big accomplishment for most people, but it’s something I’ve worked very hard to achieve. For most of my life, I’ve been between somewhat and severely dehydrated at all times. The worst part is, it’s not because I’m unhealthy and drink soda or energy drinks or something instead of water. I just…forget to drink water. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I was raised by foreign parents, and proper hydration is a uniquely American thing. Seriously, ask Europeans when the last time they drank water was. They’ll look at you in disgust.

For most of my life, my pee has been yellow. But now, as an adult 27-year-old man, my pee is clear. Even more impressive than that already impressive fact is that I’ve also begun drinking water in between alcoholic beverages.Yeah. The thing every “hangover cure” article has been telling us to do since the invention of the internet. I’m a “can I get a glass of water” at the bar guy now. Do I hate myself for it? Of course. But at this stage in my life, if I can do anything to diminish my hangovers by even a percentage, I’ll do it.

I’m Done Going Out On Friday Nights

Friday nights and I have had a good run. From sneaking water bottle of stolen vodka into my high school football games, to drinking trashcan punch in a sweaty frat house basement, to after-work happy hours that devolved into closing down the bar at 3am, we’ve had a lot of good times together. But those times are over. At my age, the last thing I want to do after a 50-hour work week is to get drunk in loud room full of strangers. No, one Friday nights I want one thing and one thing only – Pasta Fridays. That’s right. At 7pm on Fridays you won’t find me heading to the pregame, you’ll find me seated on the couch, with a Netflix movie lined up and a steaming plate of rigatoni Bolognese. The dream.

Not tonight though. Tonight, I’m mourning the loss of my youth. Tonight I’m going to a 4am bar and shutting. It. Down. Pray for me.


  1. Age is just a number. Yet, it doesn’t hurt to do some of those adult things to have half way decency.


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