A Completely Unscientific Power Ranking Of The Democratic Presidential Candidates: Volume 2

I debated what would be the trigger for writing the second volume of this column. Would it be the entry of Papa Joe? Would it be the first person to drop out? Instead, it’s that there’s twenty-two fucking candidates running for the Democratic nomination. 22 is my favorite number (since it’s my birthday), but I don’t know 22 people qualified to be president of my local YMCA, much less the entire country. But I digress. Let’s get to the ranking.

No. 22 – 20 (in no particular order): Tim Ryan, Mike Gravel, Michael Bennet

My new entrants into the “who the hell are you?” category, are respectively a congressional  representative from Ohio, a former U.S. senator from Alaska, and a current senator from Colorado. The most interesting of this bunch is Bennet, who launched his campaign following a battle with prostate cancer. Seriously, friend? Maybe you should just take a break and focus on your health. It’s not like you stand a chance here, so what’s the point?

No. 20-15 (in no particular order): Wayne Messam, Julian Castro, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, and Marianne Williamson

I asked you five this question last time, and I’m going to ask it again – what the hell are you doing here?

No. 14: Andrew Yang

So I broke out Mr. Yang because I happened to be at an event that he spoke at, and I was actually pretty impressed with some of his ideas, such as something he calls “human-centered capitalism.” I mean, I wasn’t impressed enough to join the “Yang Gang,” as he calls it, but enough to not group you in with the rest of the nobodies.

No. 13: Amy Klobuchar

Yep, she still scares the shit out of me. I watch her interviews and I honestly am just waiting for her to stab a reporter with a shank. Not that that’s an undesirable quality in a president…

No. 12: John Hickenlooper

I like the guy. He seems normal. He owns a brewery. But is “like” enough to get my vote? I don’t know.

No. 11: Jay Inslee

I probably rank Inslee higher then he deserves because I’m super concerned about the environment and that’s his whole platform, but I still don’t really understand how he can turn an environmental platform into a whole presidential campaign.

No. 10: Eric Swalwell

Swalwell is another one that is probably getting ranked higher than he should. The reasons are two-fold. First, he’s one of the few politicians that regularly appears on CNN that I don’t want to punch in the face. Second, one of his major issues is gun control, which may be more important to me than the environment.

No.9: Beto O’Rourke

Honestly, if Beto even still running? It’s like he appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, stood on some countertops, and then disappeared.

No.8: Bernie Sanders

If you want to discuss Bernie, hit up Madoff – he’s a big fan. (Seriously, he is. That’s not sarcasm) Honestly, I try and like the guy, and I just can’t. I got his appeal versus Hillary, but in a field of 22, that allure is significantly diminished. Plus, if I’m gonna vote for an old white guy, it’s gonna be the other one.

No.7: Seth Moulton

I am big fan of Moulton, who happens to be my Congressional representative. He’s young, he’s smart, he’s charismatic, he’s a veteran…he’s basically the heterosexual Pete Buttigieg. Unfortunately for Seth, Pete got here first. Maybe next time?

No. 6: Kamala Harris

Harris is smart and more than qualified to be president. That being said, there is just something about her I don’t care for. I can’t put my finger on it, which is why she remains in the middle of my pack.

No.5: Kirsten Gillibrand

As much as there’s something about Harris that I don’t like, there’s just something about Gillibrand that I do. I feel like there is a genuineness that comes across from her when she speaks and I am drawn in by it. Still need some more policy from her, though.  

No. 4: Cory Booker

I just still love Booker and I really just want Rosario Dawson to be first lady.

No. 3: Elizabeth Warren

As I’ve said before, I get why people don’t like Elizabeth Warren. But as of right now, she’s really the only one with a lot of substantial policy ideas, and until the others start dropping extensive programming, Warren stays at No. 3. Plus, I’m still all in on the dog.

No. 2: Joe Biden

Words cannot describe my love for Joe Biden. This is a man who lost his wife and daughter, and fulfilled his duties to both the U.S. Senate and his young sons by taking the train back and forth to Delaware every night. This is a man who then had to bury another child who died of cancer and turned that into the cause of his life. If this man doesn’t give you the feels, you’re dead inside.

But my biggest plus for Biden comes from his ability to reach across the aisle. In today’s toxic environment, that’s almost taboo, but I don’t know how the else we are supposed to accomplish anything, and there is probably no one more respected on both sides of the aisle then Joe Biden. You only have to watch the speeches from the Senate as he departed the Vice-Presidency to see that. Even Mitch fucking McConnell said nice things.

Is he old-school? Yes. Is he problematic? Yes. Do I think he may actually be able to get shit done? Yes.

No. 1: Pete Buttigieg

First, I appreciate that Mayor Pete has not only taught as how to say his last name (BOOT-EDGE-EDGE), but he’s also just cool with us calling him Mayor Pete. For all of the reasons I detailed last time, Mayor Pete still sits on the top of my list, with the added pluses of a husband who may be the best follow on Twitter I’ve made in a while, the ability to swat down the ridiculous Jacob Wohl,  and DOGS. Sorry, Elizabeth Warren, but he’s got TWO.


  1. Elizabeth Warren in unlikeable because she lied about being Native American for decades. Is she brilliant (hell she wrote all of my bankruptcy law textbooks) and super qualified, yes. The democratic nomination is determined by women of color, union families, and their moderate to conservative wings (55%!!! of the Dem party), not the technocratic wonks in the Acela corridor that push proposals that will result in 60% tax rates.


  2. Every news site has an article similar to this one. You are bringing unique insight (I couldn’t) and humor (something I lack) honestly better than anything I could do.


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