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If You Want to Look Like a Tacky Trash Goblin at Your Wedding, These are the Shoes for You

Every once in a while a wedding trend rolls along that makes me want to vomit and give up on humanity altogether. And as is usually the case when DIY is involved, this is exactly what happened when things went horribly awry thanks to Etsy designer, Princess Pumps who has graced us all with handmade white sparkly bridal sequin Crocs.

Via Etsy

Yes, that’s right, I said FULLY-SEQUINED BRIDAL CROCS. Please kill me.

Look, I worked in bridal for almost 4 years so I have seen some bad shit. From bright rainbow-colored bridesmaid dresses to platform flip-flops that leave a delicate “bride” stamp in the sand as you stroll along the beach to burlap covered everything, the wedding industry has been through it. But these monstrosities are just downright offensive.

Sure, it’s your wedding and you should do what makes you happy and blah, blah, blah. But do you really want to look like a twelve-year-old playing Disney princess dress-up while simultaneously looking like you’ve been working a 10-hour shift at Applebee’s? Cinderella suffered through a whole ball in glass slippers, sweetheart, you can at least get through the ceremony.  

Is your actual goal to begin your new life as a married woman with chunky, unflattering clouds on your feet that were originally made for grandmas gardening and babies on the beach? Like this is the vision you want your partner picturing from now until death do you part?

This is supposed to be the one day you look better than any other day in your entire life and you want to throw on some rubber nastiness that experienced a sparkle explosion akin to the likes of craft day at preschool? I just can’t.

I’ve always hated Crocs, but now my hatred has increased tenfold. Your feet deserve better, your significant other deserves better, and your wallet will be $115 richer if you wisely avoid buying these sad attempts at what can hardly be called footwear.     

[Via People]

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Ben Jammin (Shithead)
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Ben Jammin (Shithead)

I’m only commenting because I like to hear myself talk. If I put half as much thought into my comments as their columns, maybe people would care about what I have to say. Until then I’ll keep posting from my dumpster.