Reader Submission: A Sea Creature’s Guide to Seafood

This column is a reader submission from PostPostGraduateDolphin. To learn how to make a submission, click here.

Dear friends, acquaintances, relatives, auditors and detaining officers,

I offer before you today knowledge I believe I am uniquely qualified to offer. Years of living in and traveling the seven seas has granted me perspective on which of several varieties of sea dwelling creatures are best and worst for consumption. As such, it is only fair that I make that knowledge available to the mostly land based animals of The Clock Out. The following is the opinion of one cetacean and should not be taken as representative of the opinions of an entire family, genus or species. Enjoy your dive into the breadbasket of the ocean and remember to come up for air periodically.

Dolphin: Don’t even think about it. 

Salmon: One of the most versatile fish out there, some Atlantic variants are farmed and harvested but there are also five separate and tasty variants of the Pacific Salmon that are typically wild caught. My personal favorite is the Chinook salmon, but Coho and Sockeye Salmon are solid as well. Season according to preference, but remember pink salmon doesn’t have a long linger time after it is caught so this particular type is best harvested on the swim back from work and used for an early dinner.

Swordfish: Swordfish taste phenomenal when in season; however take note the sword part in swordfish is no joke. They are also incredibly violent, case in point one particularly vicious specimen who rammed their bill through a layer of copper sheathing, an inch of wooden under sheathing, a three inch hardwood plank, and a 12 inch timber of white oak before finally burying it in the head of an oil cask. If you’re dead set on a swordfish meal, I recommend hunting it down with a crew of at least 4 of your boys (or gals) and protecting any and all exposed soft tissue with hybrid coral/sea urchin armor. In my opinion not worth the effort when compared to salmon, mackerel, shrimp or pretty much anything else on this guide with the exception of:

Shark: 100% not worth it, especially if you are a jagoff who is only interested in the fins. The taste is similar to other large fish listed here, but comes from a fish with a lot more teeth and a nose that can smell blood at a rate of 1 part per million. Even if you do bring one down, be prepared to fight a feeding frenzy of who knows how many other sharks, barracudas, rabid Discovery Channel producers, etc. that smell the kill and want their share. Certain species are also noted for their propensity to eat literally anything so unless you want your seafood dish to be equal parts shark, tire iron, license plate and Poseidon knows what else, give shark a hard pass.

Tuna: This is the bane of many an office lunchroom (or so I’m told). In all honesty an underrated fish albeit with enough mercury to make it a fish you don’t want to consume on a daily basis. Tuna pairs well with caviar if you have the hookup or if not a modified seaweed ceviche works wonderfully. Very few hunts in this world are more enjoyable than chasing a nice Skipjack or Yellow fin through open water, and it tastes that much better after a successful chase.

Shrimp: A classic standby dish, but also the Starbucks of the seafood world. While there are nearly limitless options for preparing it, it does not provide much excitement or thrill of the chase. This dolphin’s opinion is the best shrimp can be found off the coast of Kauai. I personally don’t mess with post oil spill shrimp from Louisiana as it may have contributed to 80% of dolphins in the region being rendered infertile. Stay woke, my friends but remember there’s still no shortage of crawfish to be had if you make your way closer to land.

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