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Honest Answers I Wish I Could Give My Coworkers: Quitting Edition

Tomorrow is my last day of work at my current job, and I’m not going to lie to you, it’s bittersweet. Over the past two years at my agency I’ve worked my way up from an intern to a Jr. Copywriter to a Copywriter and found nothing but support and advice from all of my coworkers along the way. While I’m super excited to start at my new agency, I’m also looking back fondly on all the good times I’ve had at this one. I am nothing but grateful for all the people that have helped me as I began my journey in my career. That being said, content is king, so I am absolutely going to flame them in the article. Here are the questions my coworkers have been asking and how I wish I could respond.

“So why Denver?”

What I wanted to say:

Why Denver? Because it was 48 degrees this week and my weather app shows nothing but rain for the foreseeable future. Chicago is the coolest city to live in in the world, but I can’t take another goddamn 9-month winter. I can’t do it. I refuse to do it. Yes, Denver still isn’t the ideal temperature, but it’s a hell of a lot better than here and it’s one step closer to returning to Mecca (California). Also, Illinois is too fucking flat. I grew up being ten minutes from the mountains and I can’t stand this bland terrain any longer. Fuck Chicago. Can’t wait to come back and visit though!

What I did say:

Just the weather and the nature, mostly. Chicago is awesome, but I miss being able to hike and camp and be outdoors. Plus, I’ve lived here for four years and it’s time for a change. Can’t wait to come back and visit though!

“Aren’t you going to miss the culture here?”

What I wanted to say:

Honestly, yes. But at the same time, it’s probably for the best that I leave before I get arrested or fired, both of which will inevitably occur given our office environment. From the skinny dipping night as an intern to hotboxing conference rooms to the many times people have passed out on the couch only to be woken up by the cleaning crew in the morning, it’s been a hell of a ride, and one I need to get off of, for my own safety. I’ve been locked in an argument over whether I could throw a beer into the river from our 12th floor window for over a year, and we all know it’s only a matter of time before I settle it once and for all.

What I did say:

Definitely! I’m going to miss all the people and the fun. My new agency has beer on tap and my interview was interrupted by Tequila Tuesday, however, so I have high hopes about their culture as well!

“Do you have time this week to kick off a new project?”

What I wanted to say:

Absolutely. I have nothing scheduled this week because no one is dumb enough to kick me off on a new project knowing full well that I can only work on it for a few days before we’d have to restart it. Think with your fucking head, James.

What I did say:

I’d be happy to help, but as you know, my last day is on Friday, so I don’t think the timeline would match up very well. Let me know anything I can do to make the transition easier though!

“Wait, you’re leaving?”

What I wanted to say:

Shit, did I not tell you? Did I not tell anyone? Was that my job? I thought telling my bosses and, like, eight coworkers would be enough to get the gossip mill going and spread the word. Am I going to have to send out a company-wide email, aka my biggest fear? Well, fuck. Yeah, I’m outtie.

What I did say:

Shoot, I thought everyone knew! Yes, I’m leaving as of this Friday. I’m sorry for the late announcement and inconvenience.

“How much more are they paying you?”

What I wanted to say:

Oh you know daddy got that big ol’ raise. Was that expression of disgust because you don’t think I deserve it, or because I called myself daddy? The daddy thing? Okay, good. Whew. Because daddy is definitely worth it. Shit, my bad. I know. I did it again. Ahem. But yes, it was a healthy raise. Just how daddy likes it. Hahahaha I know you hate it. I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m rich, bitch.

What I did say:

It was a pretty decent salary bump, which is good because this move is costing me a fortune.

“So, have you found an apartment in Denver?”

What I wanted to say:

Hell yeah, I found an apartment. Check this shit out. High rise, in the heart of downtown, with a view overlooking the Rockies’ stadium. That’s right, if I buy some binoculars I won’t even need tickets. I mean, some really high-powered binoculars, but still. It’s got a free membership to the gym next door, parking, in-house dry cleaning. Shit, it even has a doorman. I know I’m bragging, but I don’t care. I’ve never lived anywhere nice before. Let me have this.

What I did say:

Hell yeah, I found an apartment. Check this shit out. High rise, in the heart of downtown, with a view overlooking the Rockies’ stadium. That’s right, if I buy some binoculars I won’t even need tickets. I mean, some really high-powered binoculars, but still. It’s got a free membership to the gym next door, parking, in-house dry cleaning. Shit, it even has a doorman. I know I’m bragging, but I don’t care. I’ve never lived anywhere nice before. Let me have this.

6 comments

  1. Its so pathitic when you and Madoff try to adopt the Wise Old Man personal. What are you 30?

    Like

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