Columns

Reader Submission: If The Presidential Candidates Were In Your Fraternity

This column is a reader submission from emay264. To learn how to make a submission, click here.

Politics is nuts. There are more Democratic candidates running for president now than any previous election. With nearly 24 candidates currently running, it can be nearly impossible to keep track of them all. What’s the difference between Kristen Gillibrand, Mayor Pete, and, Bernie Sanders? Who knows. But what if, before they came onto the national stage, imagine them as brothers in your fraternity.

Joe Biden: That slightly older alum/grad student that still hangs around the house and keeps talking about how he got things done “in his day”. Runs for president after a losing as a junior and sophomore. Attempting to ride his ex-roommate’s coattails to success in finding a job.

Elizabeth Warren: the scholarship chair that brings charts and graphs to chapter meetings. Has a plan to move the middling chapter into top tier, but no one can understand her methods or how grades do that. Rich alums dislike her and accuse her of being a “fun sucker”.

Kristen Gillibrand: tries to play the partier role, but has connections to school administration that makes people avoid her. She bounces from clique to clique, depending on what the occasion is and acts like everyone’s friend.

Cory Booker: He keeps telling everyone that “we should just get along” with the other houses, but also tries to show his pride in his own house through very public acts. Tries to act like he’s what the chapter needs for president, but is better suited as alumni chair. The only hazing he approves of is “a strong lecture.”

Pete Buttegieg: the freshman that runs for president. Has higher aspirations and really is here for the resume building. He’ll stick around, but he won’t be an officer.

Bernie Sanders: the fifth year that no one paid attention to until late in his senior year. Now he’s trying to make up for lost time, but not everyone is on board with this party phase. Tries to get members to be more like the people he met when he studied abroad.

Tulsi Gabbard: Bright rushee a year ago, now no one can remember why they gave her a bid. She latches onto Bernie to secure popularity, but the chapter is moving in a different direction. Has questionable friends from high school that she talks about.

Jay Inslee: runs for president on a way to clean up the fraternity house. No one asked for this or remembers giving him a bid.

John Hickenlooper: runs for social chair because he used to be “the beer guy” before college. Maintains a 2.0 and healthy social involvement otherwise.

Andrew Yang: the nerd recruited for GPA and philanthropy purposes. He swore he would never rush. Some members end up liking him. Likely to drop by the end of pledging.

Kamala Harris: the risk management chair that still wants to party and show how “cool” she is.

Beto: never holds an office, but runs and dubs himself the “party planning chair” despite lacking any real experience plan events.

Julian Castro: Beto’s brother, less likeable, did a lot as a freshman and sophomore (secretary) and trying to run for a higher office despite other experienced members

Tim Ryan: Freshman pledge class president who thinks he’s ready to lead the chapter. Isn’t.

Eric Swalwell, Seth Moulton: The freshmen trying to bump up their names for grad school resumes. Biting off more than they can chew.

Wayne Messam: the sophomore that is recruited then never shows up to events. Most people don’t know who he is.

Amy Klobouchar: the “mom” of the group. Friends with Cory Booker in wanting to get everyone one the same page and moving forward. Will run for chapter president before being elected VP. From the way she talks, you would think she was a 4.0 student, but she’s more of a 2.7 student.

 

2 comments

  1. Jesus Christ nobody cares about halph of these people. It would have been a better column if you had limited youreself to the top ten. Plus, it’s a week premise to start with, especially when you consider that a large portion of your target demo could give a fuck about farts.

    Like

    1. This guy is over here talking about farts! LOL!

      Your comments are a lot like a fart.
      -loud, but just noise nobody wants to hear
      -they stink
      -both come from assholes

      Keep up the great* work, doofus.

      Like

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