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Honest Answers I Wish I Could Give My Coworkers: First Day Edition

After a glorious week of being a carefree nomad traversing the peaks and valleys of this great nation, your boy is officially employed again. Being a traveling soul with no purpose or schedule was fun, but having a steady paycheck is even more fun, so I’m stoked to be back behind a desk. Another thing I’m stoked on is a new crop of coworkers to collaborate with, hang with, and most importantly, use as content fuel. I started my new job today, and with it, came a bunch of new questions that I, of course, answered with tact and diplomacy. But here’s what I wanted to say.

“Has someone given you stuff to do yet?”

What I wanted to say:

Yeah, I actually have a ton on my plate right now. Wait, is it too soon to start lying and slacking off? Should I start off on the right foot and accept all new projects OR should I set the tone early and let people know working hard isn’t really my jam? I don’t want to set a pace I can’t keep up, or that makes me not have time to take a mid-day siesta in my nice new cubicle. Better play it safe. Yup, totally booked up.

What I did say:

Nope! I’m free for any project you need me on. How can I help?

“Have you figured out the layout of the office?”

What I wanted to say:

Hell no. I’ve had three tours and still spent 30 minutes wandering around trying to find the IT help desk. This place is fucking huge, and at this point I’m pretty sure y’all are moving desks on me to fuck with me. Is this a prank? Is this a prank office? How does anyone find their way around? I know there’s a handy online map with everyone’s names labeled, but that doesn’t take into account the fact that I am god-awful at directions. If the map can’t load onto my phone and rotate with me, I can’t use it. Do I look like Lewis or Clark? Congrats on building an office I can’t escape. Well played.

What I did say:

Haha, well I’ve found the nearest bathroom. Everything else will fall into place soon, I’m sure. This office is so big, I can’t wait to meet everyone!

“Have you met everyone?”

What I wanted to say:

Met EVERYONE? In this 300-person office? I don’t even know 300 people in my life. I can barely remember my friends’ names and I’ve known them for a decade. If I figure out all of my team member’s names sometime in the next three months, I’m calling it a win. Everyone else will have to handle being called “dude,” regardless of gender.

What I did say:

Hey dude! Yup, I’ve done the rounds. It’ll probably take me a bit to remember everyone’s names, but everyone has been super cool!

“So how have you liked Denver so far?”

What I wanted to say:

I’ll tell you what, y’alls furniture stores, Target, and Bed Bath & Beyond are all fantastic. Oh, the rest of the city? No idea. I moved here with not a single piece of furniture, so I’ve spent the last three days living in various home goods stores while, ironically, sleeping on the floor because my mattress didn’t get delivered until last night. From the brief moments I’ve had where I wasn’t just handing an entire paycheck to Bob’s Discount Furniture for the privilege of owning a couch, the city seems nice. It’s infested with people that are either homeless or tech millionaires, which I found oddly comforting, as it reminded me of where I grew up.

What I did say:

Well, I haven’t had much time to really see the city in between setting up my apartment, but it seems really nice! I can’t wait to get out this weekend and explore. Do you have any suggestions?

“How’s the elevation treating you? Have you been getting the headaches?”

What I wanted to say:

Oh, thank god. I legitimately thought I was dying. I was on WedMD late last night searching symptoms of “shortness of breath” and “constant headaches” and I legitimately was sure I had cancer. I completely forgot some idiot decided to build a city in the fucking clouds where mankind wasn’t meant to survive. Wow, that’s a weight off my chest. Thank you for saving my life. Bring it in. We’re hugging it out.

What I did say:

Oh, that’s why I’ve had a headache! I completely forgot about the elevation. I guess it is affecting me. I plan on going to the gym later, so fingers crossed I don’t faint on the treadmill! Hahaha. Hahaha. I have to sit down. I just burned all my oxygen laughing.

“Did you have any questions about benefits that we didn’t cover in the-”

What I wanted to say:

Yeah, I was wondering – sorry to cut you off. I was wondering what your work from home policy is? Also, can I use my PTO days before they are accrued? Also, do you guys have summer Fridays? Summer Fridays? You know, where the agency closes at noon on Fridays in the summer and we all go drink? Huh. Must just be a Chicago thing. Maybe it’s something we can talk about implementing here, or- No, no. You’re right. That’s fine. Also, when does my health insurance kick in? COBRA is just taking it to me right now. Also, I need to request the 4th of July off. Yeah, the whole week. I’m going to be in Mexico. I’m sure I mentioned it in my interview.

What I didsay:

Yeah, I was wondering – sorry to cut you off. I was wondering what your work from home policy is? Also, can I use my PTO days before they are accrued? Also, do you guys have summer Fridays? Summer Fridays? You know, where the agency closes at noon on Fridays in the summer and we all go drink? Huh. Must just be a Chicago thing. Maybe it’s something we can talk about implementing here, or- No, no. You’re right. That’s fine. Also, when does my health insurance kick in? COBRA is just taking it to me right now. Also, I need to request the 4th of July off. Yeah, the whole week. I’m going to be in Mexico. I’m sure I mentioned it in my interview.

2 comments

  1. The elevation thing eventually works in your favor when you go back and can outlast everyone else working out/playing sports/running because there’s more oxygen than your body is used to. But it’s going to suck for a month or two until you adapt to it.

    Like

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