I think we can all agree there are too many jobs in the world. From blue collar to white collar to every shade in between, there are thousands of industries with what seems like millions of different positions between them. Are most of them necessary and helpful in advancing society? Yes. But not all of them. There are some it’s time to do away with, and I’m ready to lead the charge.
Product Manager or Project Manager
Look, I don’t care which one we get rid of, but we have to get rid of one, because they are the exact same job. “But wait,” you PMs say in your annoying voices. “We’re totally different! A project manager deals with a project, not a product.” Oh really? So if you work for Heinz, your project would be…one of their ketchups. Right? And likewise, if you’re a product manager, your “product” is the project you’re working on. It’s the exact same job, guys. You manage people and vendors and resources and bug everyone to keep your product/project on track. One of you has to change your name. Rock-paper-scissors for it. I don’t care.
I know this isn’t the first time I’ve complained about this, but you know what? It pisses me off and you idiots decided to give me a platform to bitch about things, so I’m going to use it. Here’s everything I do in the bathroom: Use the toilet/urinal, wet my hands, soap my hands, and dry my hands. Here’s everything on that list I need help with: Absolutely nothing. There are a lot of parts of my life that I need to be helped through, like a giant toddler, but surprisingly, going to the bathroom isn’t one of them. Bathroom attendants make my life harder and then make me feel guilty for not tipping, which I cannot stress enough, I will never do. Their time in the sun is over.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know this job existed until recently. I was under the impression that, in the year of our lord 2019, all city trains and subways were completely automated. Apparently, that is not the case. Somehow, in day and age where we can have unmanned drones kill terrorists from a world away, we still have to have real-live conductors on our single-track city trains? How? And more importantly, why are my tax dollars going towards this? Someone award all public transportation contracts to Disney. They’ve been doing unmanned trains for decades. Sure, we’d probably have to listen to a catchy song as we ride around, but that’s well worth the price.
Baseball Players…And Managers, And Coaches, And Stadium Attendants.
I’ll just come out and say it – it’s time to get rid of baseball. I know this is going to cause an uproar amongst many of you, but it’s time to face the truth that baseball absolutely sucks. It became popular in, like, 1920 when everyone needed a distraction from the great depression and the only other things to watch were literally your crops grow and die around you. It was a sport that could be easily followed, which was good, because most people only had radios. But that time is in the past.
Nowadays, there a million different things vying for our interest, including many other, much more entertaining sports. Everyone has a TV now. We can watch hockey, or football, or basketball, and see every detail in high-def slow-mo. What we don’t need to keep doing is watching a bunch of dudes stand around for minutes on end until someone finally manages to hit a ball. It’s not the great depression anymore. It’s time to move on.
Guys. We all know swimming is dangerous. Humans aren’t great at it, and we don’t breathe underwater. That’s a bad combination. But maybe it’s time we take responsibility for that. If you go to the beach and you can’t swim very well, you might die. That’s just a risk you’re taking. If you take your kids into the wave pool at Raging Waters…well, either make sure they’re great swimmers, or hold onto them. It seems very arrogant that we as a race willingly put ourselves in an environment we can’t handle and then assume someone who can swim better than us will risk their lives to save us if shit goes south. We don’t have people posted on hiking trails to protect us from Mountain Lions. We don’t have attendants on street corners to pull us out if we run into traffic. We don’t need lifeguards.
It has been brought to my attention by my editor that we do in fact have “attendants on street corners to pull us out if we run into traffic,” and they are called crossing guards. Get rid of them too. Kids have to learn personal responsibility at some point, and today’s the day.
I don’t know about you guys, but my grocery shopping trips are a deeply personal experience. I get a cart, I find my stuff, I buy my stuff, and I leave. If I never have to speak to another human being throughout the entire time in the store, that’s ideal. However, at many stores (looking at you, Walmart), that’s not possible because they employ someone at the door to “greet me” on my way in and out of the premises. I don’t need to be greeted. This isn’t a party. I don’t need to be introduced to the deli guy and the cashiers. I just want to buy my shit.
Now, I know greeters have a second job, one of which is much more important to the company. They also “greet me” on the way out to check my receipt and make sure I’m not stealing anything, to which I say, come on. Walmart. Costco. Target. If I wanted to steal something, there’s nothing you could do to stop me. My shithead friends and I stole thousands of dollars’ worth of booze and clothes when I was in high school, and not once did I approach getting caught. I’m not proud of the idiot I was when I was 14, but I’m just saying – if that idiot could steal successfully, anyone can do it. The greeter isn’t making a difference. It’s time for them to go.
With all the money saved from eliminating these unnecessary jobs, we as a society can focus on hiring people to important jobs, most notably of which is customer service hotline receptionists. If I have to scream at a fucking voice-activated computer for ten minutes before I can speak to a real person for the rest of my life, I’m going to lose it. Please bring real people back. Computers suck.