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A Breakdown of Justin Bieber Versus Tom Cruise

For reasons unbeknownst to maybe even him, Justin Bieber recently tweeted a desire to face Tom Cruise in the octagon. I’m all for it. Celebrity Deathmatch was one of my favorite shows, and, on top of that, I generally think the world would be a better place if we all got more opportunities to challenge people to hand to hand combat. Will this really happen? Probably not. But, if it did, if these men’s respective lunacy got the better of them and they actually fought, who would win? Let’s break it down.

Everyone’s coming out pretty strong in favor of Tom Cruise. I can see how one might think this. Tom’s been a staple in the action movie genre for three decades, and it’s rumored he does nearly all his own stunts. Another rumor is the man’s irrational temper, something I would attribute to his subscription to the insanity that is the Church of Scientology. Take a seasoned action star who’s kept himself in shape his entire life and give him enough crazy to believe and evangelize a religion founded on a sci-fi writer’s secret scriptures and yeah, you’ve got someone I wouldn’t necessarily goad into a barroom brawl.

On the other hand, I don’t think we’re giving The Biebs enough credit. I hate to say it, but his estranged upbringing probably left him with more than enough emotional deficiencies to misdirect them at undeserving strangers like Mr. Cruise. I mean, have you seen Jeremy Bieber? You look at a pic of him and then try to tell me those two haven’t taken a drunken swing at each other. On top of that, Bieber’s got an actual rap sheet. Remember back in ’14 when he got popped for drunkenly drag racing in Miami? That’s just the sort of dangerous, irrational behavior you need to back up all the gum pumping you’ve been doing. Add in his penchant for prison tats and I’d bet a comfortable Benjamin ole Biebs is a noted abuser of drywall.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to who’s willing to get dirty. I didn’t grow up in the streets, but I can tell you right now I’m not exactly sweating if either of these noted sub six-footers squares up to me. I think if these two fight we’re going to get a lot of backing up swats, with the victory going to whoever’s willing to poke an eye or kick a sack. I’m taking Bieber by eye-gouging TKO.

5 comments

  1. Tom Cruise outweighs him by 25-30 lbs. Grown man strength and the bonafide fact he does all his stunts (he actually broke his ankle filming MI Fallout – which you should watch) outweighs Bieber’s 2-3inch height advantage. Tom Cruise via RNC.

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    1. This is the sort of banter I was hoping for. I didn’t even talk about Bieb’s height advantage. Also, do we really think Cruise has earned grown man strength? I don’t think he’s paid the dues required to get superhuman Dad strong

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  2. Gotta think that biebs lacks the “by any means necessary” attitude. He may be reckless, but Tom is legit, certifiably, undeniably nuts. Tom would sacrifice his own limbs to win, no question. Biebs would probably freak if his hair got mussed.

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