The Time I Went to See a Psychic

I am not a very religious or  even a spiritual person, but I do believe in things happening for a reason and something being out there that is bigger than us. I like to read horoscopes not for the clarity and truth that I think they will bring, but for the entertainment value and weird coincidences that come from reading generic advice that happens to line up with stuff that’s happening to me. I don’t think anyone can see the future because I like to think we all have a say in determining our own destinies. Which sounds like a load of bullshit, but I don’t like the idea of not having my own free will, ya know?

Needless to say, when my friends wanted to go see a psychic who made bar calls vs house calls, I was in if not for anything more than the content that would come with it.

And here we are.

A couple weeks ago on a Thursday night right after work, I hustled across town to meet a couple of friends at a dive bar for a $5 psychic reading. They had previously had readings by this particular woman before and swore up and down that some of what she predicted had come true, and they were ready for round two.

We each grabbed a number and waited for our turn to be called up to the dimly table near the dart board.

TBH it’s lucky we got there when we did because we sat for over 45 minutes in anticipation before the first of us made their way to the loud lady with giant glasses who made her living making judgement calls on the future.

My number was shouted across the bar and I walked up the this over-the-top blonde grandma who stopped me before I even sat down to tell me that my “mouth is a problem,” and then she had me call up one of me friends so she could hear this portion of the reading.

What followed was a speech about how I don’t know how to communicate, but I’m bossy and bitchy and get shit done. I’m also apparently really weak on the inside so I need to learn to communicate better, hence my friend should tell others when I’m being the bitch that I am, that that is the reason why.


But, like, maybe not entirely untrue….?

And this was before I said anything beyond, “Hi!”

Next, we covered my relationship status. This is the stuff I am here for!

And after asking if I was married or living with someone (no, thanks!) told me I was not going to marry my current boyfriend. Whom I have been with for almost three years and who I fully plan on marrying. Oh. Well then.

This was followed with the fact that a married man is interested in me and all I need to do is ask his wife for permission. If only she included names…

Next, I was told that not only will I design my own home someday, but I will have lots of animals on my future acreage. Which is great since I would love to continue the family horse business someday…pending I can afford it.  

If not horses, I guess there will be kids since I  will also become a scout troop leader and a leader of the PTA which is super tricky because I’m on the fence about the whole baby thing. But very fitting for my bitchy, take charge personality.

Insert lots of confused emojis throughout this entire thing.

Work was touched on when Grandma Psychic told me that management loves me because I always get things done. Tell me something I don’t know, sweetheart.

My quick session ended with a few words of wisdom including:

  • Someone worships me who is afraid of the aforementioned mouth/drama that comes with it. (My bf says it’s him.)

  • My previous fuck ups aren’t acually fuck ups, but a part of the plan. (Claiming this from now until forever.)

  • I’m an unhealthy person. (Says the lady telling fortunes in a bar full of drunk people and fried cheese curds.)

Then she pushed her CBD products on me and left me with the mantra that I am supposed to say EIGHT times a day: “I am part of God’s plan.” Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Yep, did I forget to mention that this future predicting came with a strong side of Jesus? A lot to unpack here.

And so with a flyer displaying her website, radio performances, CBD products, and religious bible verses, my time with the psychic was done.

Look, I’m not saying my future was completely laid out by this stranger in a bar on a Thursday night, but I’m not not saying she didn’t hit home with a lot of things I want/personality traits I have. Which is scary.

It was fun for sure, and I would definitely go see a psychic again. But am I going to repeat this mantra an obnoxious amount of times every day in the hopes of a magically bright future? Hell no.

But, also, if you’re the married man who is into me, let me know who you are and I’ll see what I can do.

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