Well, there’s two hours of my life I can’t get back. From Amy Klobuchar clapping back at Jay Inslee about his claim that he “only candidate” onstage who has signed a law protecting women’s rights to abortion (ICYMI: “I just want to say there’s three women up here that have fought pretty hard for a women’s right to choose, I’ll start with that.”) to the idea machine that is Elizabeth Warren, there were great some moments…peppered in between a bunch of dudes yelling at each other while women patiently waited their turn (like almost every work meeting I’ve ever been in!)
Before we get to how to fix the issues with last night’s debate, my quick takes:
Winners: Warren, Castro, Booker
Losers: O’Rourke (what happened to you?), de Blasio (way to pimp our your kid and your dad), Delaney (Rachel Maddow even wants you to shut up), Inslee (we get it, you did shit in Washington state)
Neutral because we almost forgot you were there: Klobuchar (despite the above clapback), Ryan (who?), Gabbard (she dropped some fire re: Afghanistan, but I can’t get past the LGTBQ issues with her)
Ok, with that out of the way, let’s get to some ways that the folks over at NBC can stop tonight’s debate from feeling like a episode of The Bachelor that goes 45 minutes too long.
13. The candidates should have to write their name Jeopardy-style on their podiums, A) so I know who they are and B) so I can see if any of them write like a serial killer.
12. Also, all candidates should have their pet on stage with them. Anyone that shows up with a bird is immediately asked to leave.
11. All Savannah Guthrie, all the time. No other moderators, ever. If she has to pee, Rachel Maddow may step in for a short period of time.
10. If you speak without being called on, you should be removed from the debate stage, Ellen’s Game Of Games style.
9. Similarly, anyone who gives a stupid answer (or does not actually answer the question that was asked) gets slimed, Nickelodeon-style.
8. No one is allowed to speak Spanish. Or any other language. It’s pandering and it’s annoying as fuck.
7. Also, no one is allowed to mention Donald Trump. I don’t want to hear about him, I want to hear about you.
6. Every 30 minutes, the audience gets to vote and the lowest vote getter has to sit down and shut up. If they can’t contain themselves, ball gags will be used.
5. It’s Miami. The fact that Pitbull isn’t the opening act is bullshit.
4. All candidates should wear NASCAR-style suits with the logos of their biggest donors.
3. The ten candidates from Wednesday should have a live chat during Thursday’s debate and one of them should “accidentally” invite the whole internet. You know they’d be talking shit.
2. New question: “If you weren’t running, who on this stage would you pick to be president and why?” Watch heads explode.
1. Closing statements must include your best dad joke. It worked for that guy.
Any other ideas? Drop ‘em in the comments.