This column is a reader submission from Happytoleavehere. To learn how to make a submission, click here.
It may be July, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still get the killer bod you need for beach season. In fact, waiting until the last second and stressing out about it is a great first step; the stressed-out appetite loss will jump-start your progress. Read on for more advice on shedding the shame of your winter decisions:
- Donate a Kidney – Want to kill two birds with one (kidney) stone? Be a hero and get down to your ideal weight. You only need one, usually, and they sure look heavy in medical diagrams. Plus, think of all the likes that Instagram post will get when people realize how selfless you are.
- Go to the Gym – Not to, like, workout, just to see how the other half lives. You need motivation to get sculpted for vacation, and seeing people who are actually doing it will be the perfect inspiration to get you started. Either that, or it’ll send you reeling into self- loathing and a fresh tub of ice cream. But life’s about taking risks.
- Stop Carrying Cash – You know what cash is good for? Purchasing dollar pizza slices. Those single slices may not add up on your bank account, but they do on your waistline, so put the cash away and allow that ten-dollar credit card minimum to keep your cravings at bay. Besides, the ten-dollar smoothie from the juice joint across the way will keep you feeling full for longer.
- Catch Up with Your Childhood Bully – Think about the last time you really felt motivated to get in shape. Was it because of body you wanted to achieve, or one you were ashamed of? It’s the latter right? And who better to re-establish that shame than the person who first let you know just how bad you looked. I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear from you; just slide in that Facebook messenger!
- Stop Wearing Sunscreen – This tip counts two-fold. First, you think that lotion just evaporates? Of course not, it goes directly into your skin, adding unnecessary weight that you can’t afford to carry, and those re-applications add up. Secondly, no need to protect you skin from burning, peeling is a good thing! Sure, it’s just your lightest layer, but any weight-loss counts, so peel away.
- Skip Breakfast – I know the so-called experts have always advised against this, suggesting that a healthy breakfast spurs your metabolism and keeps you from overindulging later, but what do they know? Skip breakfast. Skip lunch. Skip dinner! You can’t overeat if you don’t eat, so don’t worry about overcompensating for missed meals, just miss them all.
- Commit a Crime – I know we’ve all had this thought before, but think of the time you could commit to your workout plan without any external distractions. Two sessions a day, no problem. Alongside the hormones you’d be producing with your body constantly in survival mode, it’s the perfect combination to reach your fitness goals. Sure, the orange jumpsuit may not be the best way to show it off, but you’ll know what’s beneath.
- Stay Inside – So maybe your plan didn’t work out, and maybe you didn’t, either. You’re still not happy with the way you look and you’re afraid to face the pool party crowd. Guess what? You’re fine. Just because the party’s outside for the next few months doesn’t mean you still wouldn’t hate everyone there. Put that social anxiety to good use and start binge-watching a new show, alone, with oversized clothes on.