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Silly Questions With: Madoff

As Diddy once said, “Hello. Good morning.”  Man, these summer days are just blending together, aren’t they?  No, just me? Ha ha, I’m silly, just like my questions. 

Today I’m bringing you some silly Q&A with none other than Madoff, author of the critically acclaimed (according to moi) “Pet of  The Week” series. Now, unlike his namesake, Madoff is a kind, empathetic, upstanding citizen, who enjoys bathroom humor.  (But maybe they both have that in common?) Without further ado, here are Madoff’s silly answers: 

Do you have any hidden talents?

Not talents per se, but I can crack my knuckles an unlimited amount of time.

Can you describe your job in a haiku:

I do not like working

Dealing with bullshit and people

Research grants and fun

How many hot dogs can you eat in one sitting?

Probably 8

Who killed JFK?

My grandfather told me…nevermind, I’m just going to go with Lee Harvey Oswald.

Are there any bad trends that you participated in that you would like to apologize for now?

No, I am too boring.

Name 5 things that are moist:

Water, moisturizer, wet paper towels, porpoises, and ice cubes

Which 4 other writers from The Clock Out are you taking with you to be a street fight… like in West Side Story?

Pete, Shibby, Tina, and Delph.

Tell me about the last time you had an “Oh shit” moment:

I had diarrhea recently, so literally and figuratively.

Do you put your toilet paper over or under?

Over. Anything else is for the Devil.

What is the most random fact that you know?

The singer of the band Filter, Richard Patrick (most famously known for “Take a Picture” and “Hey Man Nice Shot”) is the brother of the Terminator in Terminator 2, Robert Patrick.

Do you lick it, flick it, or stick it?

Lick it.

Count Chocula; Lucky The Leprechaun; Captain Crunch; Trix The Rabbit; Tony The Tiger; Snap, Crackle, Pop (Tag Team)… What cereal mascot wins in a cage match?

Count Chocula, dude throws hands.

What is the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?

“God is real and watches everything you do.” I have a guilt complex from years of Catholic indoctrination.

What would you name your boat?

SS. Titties

Describe your worst hangover.

Me and two friends did a slap the bag operation. Still can’t drink zinfandel.

Would you rather always have sand in your shoes or always have damp hair?

Damp hair.

What quote or saying irks you the most?

“Live, laugh, love.”

When you die and come back as a ghost, who are the top three people that you’re going to haunt the most?

First girlfriend’s mom, Trump, Trump’s surviving family members.

In the year 2028, would you let a dog drive your car?

Yes.

What’s the going rate of your soul?

Half a carton of cigarettes.

Tell me about your most annoying coworker.

She used to play Aloe Blacc’s “I’m the Man” every day, multiple times a day, for two months. I hate that song and can identify it within .5 seconds of it beginning.

Would you rather give up brushing your hair or brushing your teeth?

Teeth.

What always makes you ~*GiGgLe*~?

Bathroom humor.

What’s your favorite curse word?

“Shithole.”

For $1 Million, you have to either wear a cape every day for a year, 24 hours a day or an animal tail every day for a year, 24 hours a day. You’re going with…

Cape. Cape’s are going to be in 2020, you heard it here first.

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