I’ve recently been given an office. With a window. Yeah, it is on the ground floor of the building but that’s the safest floor anyways and beggars can’t be choosers, okay? This is a huge deal. I enjoy the privacy of having a door I can close, and the fact that I can take every conference call on speaker phone (at least until eventually I forget to put myself on mute and my client’s ears are blasted with ADTR one fateful morning.) Having an office is fantastic. What is not fantastic is I have had bare walls for three weeks now and my office looks depressing. What’s worse is all the comments like “I like what you’ve done with the place!” that keep coming from my coworkers. It’s getting to be too much, but I don’t know how to decorate. Never have. In a perfect world I could furnish it how I want, but sadly, I must remain somewhat professional for fear of looking like the man-child I really am. If I had my way, these 9 things would make it into my office.
1.) A Putting Green
I always thought it would be a given to have one of these things in an office. Putting greens give off the vibe of “chill yet is definitely a decision maker.” This one would be pretty dope but sadly, my office isn’t that big. Looks like my short game won’t be making very big strides unlike I thought it would when I was given the keys.
2.) A Bar Cart
The exact one pictured above but replace the bottles with: Glenlivet 12, Four Roses, Macallan 12, Reyka, Belvedere. 4 lowball glasses. Ice ALWAYS stocked. No one has booze at their desk here, though, so I would look like an alcoholic and we can’t have that. It’s not drinking on the job. It is just being a deal closer. Have you ever seen Mad Men?
3.) A TV
I want a 60” flat screen mounted on the wall that my desk faces. Gone are the days of using one of my monitors to stream March Madness and The Master’s. It’s time for the big leagues. And in the big leagues, we do 4k only.
4.) A Scar Jo Black Widow Poster
Nothing screams tasteful décor like someone with a giant poster of their Hollywood crush who happens to play a comic book character. Would I get fired on the spot if a client came in and saw that? Probably. Is the termination of my employment under such circumstances warranted? That’s still up in the air. I need to talk to HR.
5.) Effin Birds
If you have not heard of Effin Birds please do yourself a favor and follow them on all social media. They have a fantastic line of artwork and merch. If it wouldn’t be frowned upon, I’d have this poster prominently displayed behind my desk. And hey, if some from Effin Birds reads this, The Clock Out would love to link and build. Hit my DMs.
6.) A Couch
Naps. All the time. I would be so well rested! My productivity would go through the roof, during the hours that I am awake, of course. It would have to be something classy. A leather one. And one single pillow for me to sleep on. No blankets needed. Couch naps are the best naps. Facts.
7.) The AGR/Kappa Sig Beer Di Trophy
I graduated from UMaine, Orono. If you went to UMaine, you know what Beer Di is. Well, your boy was a baller at that game. Every year we had a tourney with Kappa Sig. I am an AGR. Their house vs ours. The winning team got to bring back this sweet ass pony keg trophy that was spray painted by one of our brothers. On one half of the pony keg trophy was AGR colors and symbol, and on the other was Kappa Sig’s. 2011-2012 my buddy and I were in our primes. That spring semester, for the first time in years, AGR was able to take home that trophy. If I could, I’d hunt that thing down and post it up in my office. Would be quite the talking piece I imagine. “Yeah, I had to drink 18 beers one night to get that, no big deal.”
8.) A 1:1 scale Tom Brady standup
Whenever I feel uninspired, I think to myself “What would Tom Brady do?” Having him right here with me all day would be an unfair advantage for all of my company’s competitors. Not a single proposal we put out would get rejected and every project would come in under budget. Hell, I may even take a salary cut if it came down to what’s best for the team. Wait a minute, no I wouldn’t.
9.) A Vintage Miller Lite Neon Sign
Can you imagine walking through an office complex on the way to a meeting and you pass by some dude’s office with this thing lit up at 10:00 in the morning? How could you NOT want to do business with that guy?