Happy short week, everyone. No matter what your plans are for Independence Day, all of our goal is the same. Eat burgers, consume alcohol, and most importantly, drastically underestimate the power of the sun. I’m talking about getting roasted. Burnt. Just sacrificing your skin to the power of UV rays. But not all tans are the same. Each one tells a story. Let’s rank them.
You’re crushing life. A seamless, full body tan with no lines or cutoffs? I’m jealous of your lifestyle. I don’t know if you’re tanning every weekend, own a boat, or just live on the beach, but the point is, you don’t wear shirts, and I respect the hell out of that. A deep full body tan is indicative of either extreme wealth or extreme poverty, but more importantly, it looks good as hell. Fuck society’s rules. Keep on doing you, you Rockstar.
This is the most basic of the tan lines, and one that almost everyone sports to some degree. I don’t know what kind of life y’all are living, but I wear a shirt more often than I don’t wear a shirt. And 9 times out 10, that shirt is a t-shirt. Having a farmer tan says nothing good about you, but it also says nothing bad about you. You see some sun, but not too much. You wear shirts often, which is good, but also boring. You’re an everyman. Hated by none but loved by few. Not a bad place to be.
A watch tan is all pros and no cons. It’s telling the world you’re the kind of guy that gets a lot of sun, but not in a casual setting. Yacht parties. Country clubs. Hell, you probably know how sail. You’re not running, surfing, or doing anything uncouth as to break a sweat this summer. You’re just a baller who happens to be out in the sun. The only downside? No one knows if you have this tan, because you never take your watch off. Maybe take that watch off sometimes, player.
Tall Sock Tan
Not a great look. Whether you’re a skater, a lax player, or just a shoobie who wear socks to the beach, this tan doesn’t say anything good about you. Don’t get me wrong, I love tall socks. I’m a tall sock boy through and through. However, if I know I’m going to be in the sun all day, I switch it up. People that wear tall socks in hot weather just remind me of the people that wear jeans to the beach. Let loose, my dudes. It’s ok to shed some clothing. Show off those pasty white legs. It’s summer.
This one could be interpreted two ways. Either you get drunk in the sun, or you play a lot of golf…nevermind. This can be interpreted one way. You get drunk in the sun. Whether it’s on a golf course or a beach is irrelevant, the point is, you like to pair your sunny days with alcohol, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You will, however, have to deal with the consequences on Monday when you roll into work with a crisp tan line in the middle of your face. Be prepared to hear a lot of “I see you got some sun this weekend” from your asshole coworkers. Fuck em. You did get some sun. Sorry you like to have fun.
Tank Top Tan
Now we’re talking. As a current member of the tank top tan club, I know for a fact it says several distinct things about you. One, you like to party. People who wear fewer sleeves have more fun. That’s just science. Two, you don’t care about society’s rules. Most people will tell you having a tank top tan looks dumb, and they’d be right. But you don’t care. You’re here to have fun, not look good. Three, you’re a douchebag. I’m not hating, I’m just stating facts. Upstanding citizens don’t wear tank tops. They wear shirts, or no shirts. A tank top is just a lack of shirt that you can wear in a setting that should only allow shirts. Who does that? Douchebags.
Backwards Snapback Tan
Ah, yes. The crème de la crème of tans. The Mona Lisa of skin damage. The exact tan I will be sporting on Monday after my long weekend in Mexico. There are no upsides to this look. People will make fun of you behind your back, and likely to your face as well. They’ll say you’re a frat boy, a man child, someone who peaked in high school. Maybe they’re right. Maybe not. Maybe go fuck yourself. If you end up with this tan, the only logical solution is to go out the next weekend and absolutely roast your face. You can’t have a tan line if your whole face is peeling. * Man_Pointing_At_Head.gif *
Go out there and get burnt. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted.