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243 Reasons To Love America

On Sunday, I had the grand idea of writing 243 reasons to love America in honor of her 243rd birthday. Of course, as with most grand ideas, it was much harder to accomplish than I expected. So the below list is really a compilation of why all of your favorite Clock Out writers love America. One reason not on the list – because you can start a website with a bunch of your internet friends and have a bunch of fun doing it. Pretty sure you go to jail in China for that.

Anyway, in no specific order….

  1. Football – NOT SOCCER.
  2. Fine, soccer too.
  3. But specifically, U.S. Women’s Soccer.
  4. And super specifically, Megan Rapinoe.
  5. “I’m Not Going to the Fucking White House.”
  6. That she can say that and not go to jail.
  7. That cars driving around in circles is the 2nd most popular sport in our fine country.
  8. Buffalo wings.
  9. Bruce Springsteen.
  10. The World Series.
  11. Crooked Media.
  12. Mayor Pete. In what other country could the gay mayor of Indiana’s 3rd largest city have a fighting chance at the presidency?
  13. On the same note – in what other country could 24 people run for the presidency to begin with? It’s way too many people, but them’s the champagne problems of democracy.
  14. Also, six women are running and it’s not really a big deal. We aren’t there yet but it’s getting better.
  15. One more thing: Mayor Pete’s hubby, Chasten, who is a diamond follow on Twitter.
  16. New England Clam Chowder.
  17. Disney World.
  18. Coke Zero.
  19. Guy Fieri, the Mayor of Flavortown.
  20. The free press.
  21. Hershey’s.
  22. NASA.
  23. The Muppets.
  24. Those cookies they serve on Delta.
  25. That “Kum & Go” is an actual convenience store.
  26. S’mores.
  27. Moonshine.
  28. Independence Day, both the movie and the holiday.
  29. Panda Express.
  30. Kickball.
  31. Those floats that look like unicorns.
  32. Turkey legs.
  33. All you can eat deals.
  34. All you can drink deals.
  35. Having more than four types of cereal.
  36. 24-hour diners.
  37. 24-hour drive-thrus.
  38. The National Parks system.
  39. Marriage equality. #LoveIsLove
  40. Jon Stewart.
  41. HGTV.
  42. The fifty states. But since we have to have 243 things on this list…in order of admittance to the union:
  43. Delaware
  44. Pennsylvania
  45. New Jersey
  46. Georgia
  47. Connecticut
  48. Massachusetts – the first state to celebrate 4th of July, so you’re welcome for today off.
  49. Maryland
  50. South Carolina
  51. New Hampshire
  52. Virginia
  53. New York
  54. North Carolina
  55. Rhode Island
  56. Vermont
  57. Kentucky
  58. Tennessee
  59. Ohio
  60. Louisiana
  61. Indiana
  62. Mississippi
  63. Illinois
  64. Alabama
  65. Maine
  66. Missouri
  67. Arkansas
  68. Michigan
  69. Florida – even though I think we’d all agree to just give up Florida to anyone that wants it.
  70. Texas
  71. Iowa
  72. Wisconsin
  73. California
  74. Minnesota
  75. Oregon
  76. Kansas
  77. West Virginia
  78. Nevada
  79. Nebraska
  80. Colorado
  81. North Dakota
  82. South Dakota
  83. Montana
  84. Washington
  85. Idaho
  86. Wyoming
  87. Utah
  88. Oklahoma
  89. New Mexico
  90. Arizona
  91. Alaska
  92. Hawaii
  93. And we can’t forget Washington, D.C.
  94. Or American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands. P.S. Anyone know where the Northern Mariana Islands actually are?
  95. WeRateDogs.
  96. And Dog_Feelings.
  97. And IvePetThatDog.
  98. Just all the dogs in general, online and IRL.
  99. Slack – a less annoying way to stay in touch with your friends than a group text.
  100. Wheel of Fortune.
  101. Frank’s Red Hot.
  102. Gabriel Iglesias.
  103. EPSN’s 30 for 30.
  104. And the 30 for 30 podcast
  105. The Mississippi River – and yes, I sung the song while typing that.
  106. Movie theater popcorn.
  107. Tailgates.
  108. March Madness.
  109. National Treasure.
  110. Jake Tapper.
  111. Ali Wong. Anyone who does two standup specials while pregnant is a G-D national treasure, even if Always Be My Maybe was only ok.
  112. Stax Records.
  113. Donuts.
  114. Bagels.
  115. Walter(Owen’s Grandp. No, that’s not a typo.
  116. Law and Order: SVU.
  117. Shameless self-promotion: The Mountain Man Podcast.
  118. And the Big Screen Sport podcast because we love Kyle Bandujo.
  119. And Washed Media because Dave, Dillon and Will are pretty fucking awesome.
  120. Me realizing at #120 that I have to come up with 123 more things for this list and losing my mind.
  121. Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
  122. Morgan Freeman.
  123. The Miracle on Ice, aka the greatest sports moment in recorded history.
  124. The movie Miracle.
  125. Chrissy Teigen.
  126. Bald eagles, which are both majestic but also intimidating as fuck, just like Americans.
  127. Without America, the McRib wouldn’t exist.
  128. Cardi B.
  129. Bacardi.
  130. Whitney Houston’s all-time spine-chilling rendition of the National Anthem. Name another country whose anthem has ever done that.
  131. Broadway.
  132. We were the good guys in Mighty Ducks 2. Need I say more?
  133. Fuck, I do.
  134. Ok, moving on. The Fast and The Furious franchise.
  135. The Real Housewives of wherever.
  136. Rocky Balboa.
  137. Tom Brady – it’s my list and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  138. Target.
  139. John Cena.
  140. Being super good at the Olympics.
  141. We’re so cocky that we call the winners of our sports leagues “World Champions.”
  142. Las Vegas.
  143. Leaving Las Vegas – the movie or the actual act of departing a city that will indeed kill you if you stay too long.
  144. The Aerosmith videos with Alicia Silverstone.
  145. Thomas Jefferson, who gave us some of the greatest philosophical liberal writings of all time (Declaration of Independence and Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom) along with the greatest university in the western hemisphere, the University of Virginia. (Yeah, I didn’t write that. Thanks, ArrowZeppelin, but I’m not giving UVA that title.)
  146. The evolution of Christina Applegate.
  147. Cool-ranch Doritos.
  148. College football.
  149. Federally mandated paid maternity leave. Oh wait…
  150. But I still have the freedom to decide what happens to my body, right
  151. What do you mean it depends on what state I live in? 
  152. WTF is wrong with us?
  153. Keystone light.
  154. 2008 Lil Wayne.
  155. Being legally allowed to eat roadkill (this one was from Noam, everyone).
  156. Fountain soda with ice.
  157. King size beds
  158. California king size beds.
  159. Halo Top Pops.
  160. World-leading medicine and doctors (shout out to Crick Watson, MD, out there saving lives)
  161. The Apache helicopter.
  162. Jack Daniels.
  163. Demolition Derbys.
  164. Roller Derbys.
  165. The Kentucky Derby.
  166. All the Derbys!
  167. Sea World (fuck the haters).
  168. The freedom to fail.
  169. The freedom to succeed.
  170. 300+ TV channels.
  171. Every single important tech company.
  172. The Price is Right.
  173. Those little hummers kids can drive around in.
  174. Air Force One. The plane, the movie, or the shoes.
  175. And the Nelly song.
  176. Oh, yeah – Nelly.
  177. Wawa.
  178. Nailed It.
  179. Cracker Jacks.
  180. Quik Chek.
  181. Dairy Queen.
  182. Fall in New England.
  183. All of the Toy Story movies.
  184. Tractor Trailers.
  185. Hoarders, both the people and the show.
  186. The Boston Tea Party.
  187. Tiffany Haddish.
  188. Free samples at Costco.
  189. Girl Scout cookies. #Samoasforever.
  190. Smugness.
  191. Birthplace of Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Chuck Norris, and John Wayne, all-time badasses.
  192. The Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day.
  193. Oreos.
  194. Deep fried Oreos.
  195. Obesity.
  196. Napa Valley.
  197. Starbucks.
  198. Starbucks mobile order.
  199. According to my fellow Clock Out writer Brian Bisgard, “we own the moon.” I’m not sure if that’s legally true, but at this point…whatever.
  200. Mr. Rogers
  201. Fourth of July Fireworks.
  202. Dunkin.
  203. The Golden Girls re-runs.
  204. Our military.
  205. “This will remain the land of the free so long as it is the home of the brave.” — Elmer Davis
  206. Home Alone, but only 1 and 2.
  207. Chris Harrison.
  208. Gritty.
  209. Kenan Thompson on Saturday Night Live.
  210. Slim Jim’s.
  211. Mini golf.
  212. Birthday coupons.
  213. Ja Rule, even if he totally should have gone to jail over Fyre Festival.
  214. Gmail.
  215. Roomba.
  216. Mean Girls.
  217. The World’s biggest ball of yarn, located in Darwin, Minnesota.
  218. Movies about dinosaurs.
  219. Jazz music.
  220. Movies about bees who like jazz music.
  221. The Wire.
  222. Food Network.
  223. Twitter.
  224. Kevin Durant being on Twitter.
  225. Steak fries.
  226. Live PD.
  227. Comebacks. We see you, Tiger Woods.
  228. “Old Town Road.”
  229. The fact that we use our own system for measurement and DGAF.
  230. Homegoods.
  231. The Puppy Bowl.
  232. The Puppy Bowl Locker Room Cam.
  233. Goat yoga.
  234. Kids on leashes and dogs in strollers.
  235. My Strange Addiction.
  236. Motown.
  237. Trader Joe’s.
  238. Public Libraries.
  239. The fact that, no matter how fucked up this country is at any moment, we continue to believe in The American Dream.
  240. “The American dream comes from opportunity. The opportunity comes from our founding principles, our core values that’s held together and protected by the Constitution. Those ideas are neither Republican, Democrat, conservative, liberal, white, or black. Those are American ideologies.” Ted Yoho, Republican U.S. Representative for Florida’s 3rd congressional district.
  241. The fact that I just agreed with a Republican.
  242. If only he and his friends would do something about those kids in detention centers.
  243. But let’s end on a high note: Hot dogs. Did you know we will eat enough hot dogs on the 4th of July to cover the distance between D.C. and LA five times? We are so fucking gross. Happy 4th!

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Ben Jammin (Shithead)
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Ben Jammin (Shithead)

Giving white-dominated states like Wyoming and Montana separate listings, while grouping all the brown-peopled territories into a single number is the epitome of racism. Check your privilege, white girl.