Ben Franklin, one of our founding fathers, has been attributed as saying that “…nothing in this world is certain except for death and taxes and Delph crushing a Fourth of July beer.”
Okay, maybe that last part I added. While he is currently on #Vacation, that hasn’t stopped him from answering a bunch of silly questions. Here he is, the Mountain Man, the myth, the Appalachian allegory that is Delph:
Do you have any hidden talents?
I’m probably the best Mario Soccer player that you know.
Can you describe your job in a haiku:
My job really sucks
I want to find a new job
Someone, please help me
How many hot dogs can you eat in one sitting?
An entire pack, easily.
Who killed JFK?
Are there any bad trends that you participated in that you would like to apologize for now?
Name 5 things that are moist:
cake, brownies, garden soil, sponges, vaginas
Which 4 other writers from The Clock Out are you taking with you to be a street fight… like in West Side Story?
Icehouse, angry Madoff, Miss MacKay, and Crime Dawg
Tell me about the last time you had an “Oh shit” moment:
Forgot to buckle my kid into his high chair the other day and he stood up and turned around when I wasn’t paying attention.
Do you put your toilet paper over or under?
What is the most random fact that you know?
Maybe not most random but most useful is leave out coffee grounds to absorb any bad odors you can’t get rid of
Do you lick it, flick it, or stick it?
Count Chocula; Lucky The Leprechaun; Captain Crunch; Trix The Rabbit; Tony The Tiger; Snap, Crackle, Pop (Tag Team)… What cereal mascot wins in a cage match?
Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Not only is their mascot literally cinnamon toast crunch but they also eat each other. No other cereal mascot is a cannibal. Cinnamon Toast Crunch for sure.
What is the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?
What would you name your boat?
Describe your worst hangover.
The older I get, every hangover is my new worst hangover.
Would you rather always have sand in your shoes or always have damp hair?
Damp hair, fuck sand.
What quote or saying irks you the most?
“Well, like _____ said, *repeat what we’ve already heard*”
When you die and come back as a ghost, who are the top three people that you’re going to haunt the most?
Kyle Busch, Kyle Busch’s wife, Kyle Busch’s son.
In the year 2028, would you let a dog drive your car?
Yes, but not my dog. Then I can say my car was stolen by a dog and get a brand new one after it crashes.
What’s the going rate of your soul?
My favorite soul food is chicken livers and hot sauce.
Tell me about your most annoying coworker.
My office mate a few years ago used to inhale his food, trigger acid reflux, and throw up in our trash can. He did this weekly. He also ate like an actual cow. He inhaled. He spilled everything everywhere. He cleaned his desk with vinegar every day.
Would you rather give up brushing your hair or brushing your teeth?
My hair, can’t be having that stank breath.
What always makes you ~*GiGgLe*~?
What’s your favorite curse word?
For $1 Million, you have to either wear a cape every day for a year, 24 hours a day or an animal tail every day for a year, 24 hours a day. You’re going with…
A cape, because fuck furries.