Holy shit, I may just explode on Thursday. Wine. Cheese. A hot fudge Sunday. On top of the gallon of Diet Coke that I drank in the McDonald’s drive-thru the day before. But aside from all of the eating I’m going to do this week, there’s also some family celebrations and some co-worker days, so let’s get to it.
Monday, July 22nd
National Penuche Fudge Day
Not exactly sure what this is, but can any fudge be bad?
National Hammock Day
Best vacation I ever had involved reading in a hammock on the beach for 5 days.
National Rat Catcher’s Day
Aren’t they just called exterminators?
Tuesday, July 23rd
Gorgeous Grandma Day
Like Blanche from The Golden Girls.
National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
Sometimes a scoop of plain ol’ vanilla hits the spot.
Wednesday, July 24th
National Thermal Engineer Day
Not sure what a thermal engineer does, but sure.
National Tequila Day
On a Wednesday?
National Drive-Thru Day
$1 Diet Coke at McDonald’s, here I come.
National Cousins Day
Eh, I like ‘em. Not enough to give ‘em a whole holiday.
National Amelia Earhart Day
I don’t celebrate failure.
Thursday, July 25th
National Wine and Cheese Day
I’m here for it.
National Hot Fudge Sundae Day
Wine and cheese AND a sundae? Best. Day. Ever.
National Merry-Go-Round Day
Um, won’t that make me puke up my hot fudge sundae and the wine and cheese? No thanks.
National Threading the Needle Day
I don’t need any of your fancy business talk. Just more wine and cheese and maybe another sundae.
National Hire a Veteran Day
You should. Or support companies that do.
National Refreshment Day
In case wine and cheese and a sundae weren’t enough.
National Chili Dog Day
Well, now I feel a lil sick and I didn’t even go on the Merry Go Round.
Friday, July 26th
National Aunt and Uncle’s Day
Sure. I like some of my aunts and uncles.
National Bagelfest Day
ARE THERE GONNA BE FREE BAGELS?
National Coffee Milkshake Day
Or as Starbucks calls it, a Frappacino.
National All or Nothing Day
Celebrate by watching the classic Bring It On: All or Nothing, starring Beyoncé’s sister!
National Talk in an Elevator Day
Not in any one that I’m in, please.
National System Administrator Appreciation Day
You main the dudes who fix my stuff after I break it? Those guys are saints.
National Get Gnarly Day
Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to skateboard.
Saturday, July 27th
National Love is Kind Day
Is it? Because my experience is that it kicks you in the gut and leaves you for dead.
National Scotch Day
Not my fav.
National Créme Bruléé Day
Big fan in restaurants, never made at home.
National New Jersey Day
It’s the Garden State yet it smells like trash all the time?
National Day of the Cowboy
If I have to have this stuck in my head, so do all of you:
Sunday, July 28th
National Milk Chocolate Day
Big fan of both milk chocolate and chocolate milk.
Buffalo Soldiers Day
Or you can have this stuck in your head. Don’t ever say I didn’t give you choices.
National Waterpark Day
I try not to go in pools that thousands of strangers have peed in. I’ll stick to the one that my own family pees in, thanks.
National Parent’s Day
They already got Mother’s day and Father’s day. It’s not like their job is hard or anything.