Columns

Nine Questions I Have For That Guy In Dunkin’ Donuts

For those of you that follow me on Twitter, you know that I had a rather odd encounter at Dunkin’ Donuts on Friday afternoon:

The whole story: I was sitting there working on my laptop when I heard the sound of tearing paper. The man at the table across from me was tearing up a section of his newspaper. Addressing what must have been a quizzical look on my face, he says, “I tear it up after I read it so no one else can read it, since I paid for it.”

At the time, I was legitimately stumped as to what to respond, so I didn’t say anything and returned to my work after sending the above tweet, because obviously it didn’t happen if I didn’t tweet about it. But once I left, I found that I had lots of questions. Now, I don’t think The Clock Out is super popular with the 50-70 year-old population, but just in case he happens to see this, here are some questions I actually want to ask this gentleman:

  • Have you heard of the Internet? You know you – and everyone else – can read things for free there, right?
  • What’s your stance on public libraries? It’s another place where lots of people can read lots of things for free. I hear they even have DVDs there.
  • Slightly off topic but why are they letting you sit in this Dunkin anyway? You are sipping tea in a cup from Panera. Doesn’t that mean you are using that table at Dunkin for free? Seems off-brand.
  • Why the tearing it up instead of just throwing it away? Are there people who are regularly picking newspapers out of the trash to read them? And if there are, personally I think they deserve to read the paper for their efforts.
  • Have you been talking to Starbucks?  Is this some collusion against the free press?
  • Are all the parties at your house BYOB and potlucks? I doubt that you’re shelling out for cheese and crackers for your friends (assuming your miserable ass has any.)
  • Does everything Bernie Sanders says make your head want to explode? Somehow, I’m thinking free healthcare and free college isn’t really your thing.
  • What do you do with your old clothes? You obviously don’t donate them since you paid for those too. I’m envisioning some kind of a burn barrel.
  • And lastly, who hurt you? I mean, someone must have for you to be this much of an asshole. I hope you never have to rely on the kindness of others – and if you do, I hope they are nicer than you.

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