“Good Morning, say it back.” Everybody needs a good hype man. It’s just facts. So I’m bringing you what I view as the Twitterverse’s own hype man. You might think that you know him from podcasts, from his tweets, from his writing… but do you really know a man until he’s told you what he wants to name his boat? (My personal favorite, by the way.) DJ Crime Dawg took some time out to answer some silly questions for me:
Do you have any hidden talents?
Dragonflies swarm to me so I rarely get ate up by mosquitoes. It’s wild.
Can you describe your job in a haiku:
Writing’s not as fun
When folks are yelling at you
Soft fog coats the bay
How many hot dogs can you eat in one sitting?
Bun sized? 3-5. Those little fellas you get in the lunch meat section at Piggly Wiggly? 9+.
Who killed JFK?
The mob. JFK fooled around with Sinatra’s girl and he paid for it. So did she. You don’t mess with Sinatra, even when you’re the president.
Are there any bad trends that you participated in that you would like to apologize for now?
Snapbacks and those stupid rubber bracelets that supposedly helped you balance better. High School and early college Crime Dawg SUUUCKED!
Name 5 things that are moist:
Four of the ten juicy nuggets you can get for just $1.49 at Burger King and your mum.
Which 4 other writers from The Clock Out are you taking with you to be a street fight… like in West Side Story?
Delph is a large human. Feel like any of the teachers throw haymakers like Solange. Noam has probably been in a production of West Side Story. Jenna is from the American Northeast, so she’s in.
Tell me about the last time you had an “Oh shit” moment:
I tripped my car alarm and couldn’t figure out how to shut it off. My office is across from the police station. Nobody did anything.
Do you put your toilet paper over or under?
I prefer a bidet but I stand and wipe like an adult.
What is the most random fact that you know?
There is a place called “Shits-in-Shades” where a group of natives thought the lazy folks from their tribe were turned into bears. Mythology is awesome.
Do you lick it, flick it, or stick it?
I… I don’t know what that means. Flick it?
Count Chocula; Lucky The Leprechaun; Captain Crunch; Trix The Rabbit; Tony The Tiger; Snap, Crackle, Pop (Tag Team)… What cereal mascot wins in a cage match?
Tony is a whole tiger but unless he and Dig-Ums the Sugar Smacks frog have spoons made out of consecrated silver Count C is running away with this one.
What is the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?
“Exposure is as good as money early on.” From my college department head.
What would you name your boat?
DJ Crime Boat.
Describe your worst hangover.
We were in the bed of a truck for an hour after a boozy weekend.
Would you rather always have sand in your shoes or always have damp hair?
My hair looks great when it is moist so the latter, please.
What quote or saying irks you the most?
“Carpe diem” because it’s the only Latin phrase every guy named Jayce knows and they all have it tattooed on their ribs.
When you die and come back as a ghost, who are the top three people that you’re going to haunt the most?
My folks to check in on them.
That department head. I hate that guy.
Bill Murray. Turn the tables!
In the year 2028, would you let a dog drive your car?
I’d let a dog drive my car tomorrow. That’s at least 15 retweets.
What’s the going rate of your soul?
$30,000 a year apparently.
Tell me about your most annoying coworker.
A mousy young lady who provides constant negative feedback despite having limited expertise. She’s the low person on the flowchart for our client and makes it all of we contractor type’s problem.
Would you rather give up brushing your hair or brushing your teeth?
My hair will be going the way of the dodo soon. Definitely hair.
What always makes you ~*GiGgLe*~?
UwU the DK Monkey Rap XD
What’s your favorite curse word?
The c-word… but only when folks from Scotland drop it casually. My most used is definitely “shit” though.
For $1 Million, you have to either wear a cape every day for a year, 24 hours a day or an animal tail every day for a year, 24 hours a day. You’re going with…
I wore a towel around my neck like a cape every day when I was four because I wanted to be Darkwing Duck. I still do. Give me that cape.