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Social Media Rules of Engagement: As You Do in the Relationship, So You Must Do in the Breakup

Are you the type of person to incessantly post pictures of your significant other? Is it a daily occurrence on your Instagram story and a weekly occurrence as a standard post? Do you put them on your Snapchat story, if—God forbid—you still use Snapchat as if it weren’t just Instagram without all the enjoyable features now. Seriously, Snapchat only does things that Instagram does, and does it with an uglier interface. That’s like if you had 100 channels on your TV and then you purchased a second cable package that had half of those channels and nothing more.

Anyways, if you’re that person, then that’s up to you, and you may do as you please (please don’t be this person). Do note, however, that whatever level of sharing you chose for your relationship with this person will be required in the breakup. That’s correct; if your standard Sunday morning post (and it must be a Sunday morning post because there is no better time to garner likes than popping up on the feeds of users who are laying in bed scrolling or gossiping at brunch as they pass their phones around) included a three paragraph love letter to your significant other of one-and-a-half months, then you better not be ending that relationship by quietly deleting their footprint from your profile.

No, this breakup must be documented, from a daily story post featuring the argument topic of the day from when the honeymoon phase ended to the conclusion, to a 500 word essay accompanying your final post—a copy of your first couple pic with the other half scratched out. And this essay will be detailed; so much information that a detective would stop taking notes. Is that too difficult? Sorry. If you managed to tell us exactly what you were wearing on your first date and the tingle in your stomach you felt when he first pulled you in for a hug, then you can manage to tell us how long it took you to stop crying when you chose to say goodbye. If your third post in as many weeks of her tells us about how “she changed you from your player ways” and “taught you what it was like to be a real man”, then I want to know precisely how long into your breakup conversation you were when you started to list of the girls you “could get with tonight” to her. Let’s be honest with ourselves, I don’t press the like button on your hand-holding post because I thought you two were cute, I did it so you wouldn’t know I was also sending that picture to the group chat telling them how much I’m looking forward to the breakup. We’ve heard all of their good qualities, you even hashtagged each trait. But now we want to see your dirty laundry.

C’mon guys, anything goes.

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