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Insufferable Product Reviews: The Taco Bell Cantina

It’s been poorly documented on social media, but heavily bitched about on this site: My trip to Las Vegas. It was no secret that I didn’t want to go. Someone told me that there’s something for everyone in Vegas, and I was convinced they were wrong. I’m the outlier. Nothing about a 107 degree desert day meandering through windowless casino floors while being hit in the face with cigarette smoke could be appealing to me. For a majority of the weekend, this was true. I will admit, there were a few bright spots; one of which being the most athletic gymnastics I’ve ever seen taking place at a drag brunch in Señor Frog’s. Shouts to you ladies, you crushed it. A fantastic Capariña bar in an air conditioned mall was also a nice touch (Two ‘ñ’s in the first paragraph, this guy is cultured). I watched a six-axis robot arm that is normally used for advanced production applications be demoted to bartender, and make a terrible tequila sunrise. But all in all, I was still feeling like I might has well have been in any other city in the world at that point in time. 

The end of our last night rolled around, and my girlfriend and I had gotten separated from the group. As I may have mentioned before, we were here to celebrate her sister’s 30th birthday party. They’re the kind of 30 year-olds that have two kids and a mortgage already, so they aren’t used to going this hard for this long. Walking back into the hotel room to find your soon-to-be brother-in-law laying in the middle of the floor on his back like a vampire with a stake through his heart was enough to prove what we already knew. I just watched this guy walk through 4 hotel lobbies with no shirt on and sunglasses with the lenses torn out. We were on our own from here on out. 

We weighed our options: club? Hell no. Bars? Too expensive. So we went with what we knew. Taco Bell. For those of you who aren’t in the know, there is a Taco Bell right on the strip, but it’s no normal Taco Bell; it’s a Taco Bell Cantina. Essentially, it’s a Taco Bell on steroids, with a liquor license. It’s a beautiful place with specialty menu options that are almost real food. That’s not what I ordered, but it’s there. What I did order was a Baja Blast slushie with Hornitos in it. I’m sure we’re all familiar with those Coke Freestyle machines, where you can infuse any beverage you want with a twist of Lemon or Vanilla. The Cantina’s version has slushes of all their Pepsi affiliated products with the choice of tequila, vodka, whiskey, and rum as the infusion options. I was 12 and 21 at the same time, and it was beautiful. We ordered our food and then went upstairs, yes, upstairs. The second floor of this Taco Bell has a DJ booth, merch shop, and best of all, a wedding chapel. Wedding “Bells” adorn the front of the Chapel, the only one of its kind. Vegas is known for these quickie marriages, but I think this one takes the cake. Half because of it being so unique, the other half for the sweet package you get. From the Taco Bell website:

“All you have to do is get your marriage license, visit the restaurant in person this summer, walk up to the counter and order a wedding right off the menu. The $600 wedding package will include:

  • A ceremony in the chapel inside the restaurant with an ordained officiant within as little as four hours 
  • Private area for a reception inside the restaurant with up to 15 of your closest family and friends
  • Custom merchandise, including a sauce packet garter and bow tie, “Just Married” t-shirts for the bride and groom, Taco Bell branded champagne flutes and, of course, a Taco 12 Pack filled with tacos and a Cinnabon Delights cake for dessert
  • A Sauce Packet bouquet is also available for the bride to use during the ceremony

(https://www.tacobell.com/how-to-get-married, I’m leaving the hyperlink as is because it’s really funny to me)

A sauce packet bouquet??? I really wish this was the way I was announcing that I got married. Unfortunately, I was talked out of it. Instead, we just sat there eating our crunchwraps while a real live DJ was playing music I hated. But to be fair, I hated all the music that had been playing the entire weekend. 

I’m not saying it’s worth the trip all the way out to Vegas just to see this place, but if you’re there, make sure to make a stop. It’s the Vegas version of a fantastic trash fast food restaurant, and it’s perfect in every way. 

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Kendall
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Kendall

Was thinking this was your way of telling us all you got married…but alas. Also BIG fan of the cantina!!