There is an ever-increasing amount of social media platforms available today, from picture-heavy Facebook and Instagram, to braggadocios Linkedin and angsty Twitter. These apps aren’t all for everyone, however, but some people have failed to realize that. In order to best guide who we see where, below is a determination of what social media you should be using, based on your age.
Nothing. You shouldn’t be online! This unfortunately isn’t the case, but you children should be out riding bikes and bullying each other for things you can’t change about yourself, inflicting internal damage that you’ll realize a decade or two later and spend thousands of dollars in therapy overcoming. You should be scraping your knees and falling out of trees and narrowly avoiding a kidnapping. No internet for you.
Ah, prime social media years. If you’re not on Instagram during this phase of your life, you’re doing it wrong. While the younger side of this demographic is learning how to flirt online, the older portion is….also doing that but in a much creepier manner. You’re posting pictures to brag about your life, you’re constantly putting stories up to deflect from your crippling loneliness, and you’re failing at 3-5 different food, fashion or travel blogs.
This age group is maintaining relationships via meme-sharing, because the amount of friends you have matters, and the only way to remain in touch is through pumping nonsense DMs to each other the entire time you’re apart. College relationships survive summers of long distance purely through the low-effort practice of double tapping pictures and forcing a “LOL” response to the mediocre video you’d seen two times the same morning.
You’re out of college now, and your life is falling apart. The friends you thought you’d have forever have already stopped keeping in touch, and the job you spent the last four years striving to obtain is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. If only there was a place for you to vent and commiserate about the futility of your existence and your disenchantment with the “real world.” Enter Twitter. While Instagram is for bragging about how amazing your life is, Twitter focuses on complaining about your sadness. Tweets like “Not sure if I’m depressed or I just haven’t spoken to another human in a week” are gold, and as you amass a following of internet strangers that also hate speaking to real humans, you think you’ve found a community. Lose yourself in this dark hole of fake woke-ness, adult angst and vicious sarcasm.
Also, get on LinkedIn to help you find that next job that (shocker) won’t fix your life even a little bit.
You’re old now, and Facebook is the nursing home of the Worldwide Web. Get on your desktop, log-in with your AOL email address, and get on in there! Your baby pictures garner likes from other olds, and as those babies grow up and you sprint towards wrinkles and grandchildren, a horde of internet-illiterate peers accompany you, ceaselessly commenting “LOL” thinking that it means “lots of love”, and arguing about politics with incorrect statistics littered over an American flag picture. This is your home now, and the foolishness you share herein will be poached by younger folks to ridicule you on the other social media platforms they use.