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Insufferable Product Reviews: Crocs

I am moving out of the hood. As of September 1st, I will no longer call Oakland (the hood) home. Instead, I will be headed to the beautiful suburbia of Livermore, CA. It’s time for BBQ’s and dinner parties and the same three restaurants every few weeks. It’s time for lawn care, salsa gardens, and home improvement projects. It’s time to wear my crocs. The shoe of everyone: grannies, Iron Chefs, and Post Malone alike.

I should say up front, I already own a pair of Crocs; I have for quite some time. I used to have a terrible habit of getting a little drunk and ordering things on Amazon Prime. Not enough to blackout but enough to get confused when there was a package on my door two days later. Usually harmless things like LEGO, or a vintage Milwaukee Admirals jersey (that was eBay), but never anything useful. Until my Crocs came along. I found the best deal I could, which means I got the absolute worst color on the planet. Lime green and lemon yellow, with a foxy stripe on the side to make them look like a pair of bastardized converse. They’re disgusting, and they’re my favorite thing. 

I couldn’t stop there, though. Like that weird guy with a 94 Geo Metro in your neighborhood, I had to keep going. When he gets spinners and a pink paint job, I get Jibbitz. Jibbitz, a real word, are the jewels, figures, and other assorted adornments that you can buy to personalize your crocs. I proudly rock a cartoon Darth Vader, a Patrick Star, and the Batman symbol on mine. Since these are such an important part of my life, I have been gifting them to all the people I care about. Several of my family members have pairs ranging from cute purple ones for my girlfriend  to camo ones for my cousin. I don’t even have a reason to buy him camo ones, I just thought they looked awful. Remember those Jibbitz from before? You better believe I had fun with those too. The cousin with the camo Crocs works as a fry cook, so naturally I bought him one lone SpongeBob Jibbitz (I don’t know what a singular jibbitz is called, please help me) and a metal hamburger to go along with it. My favorite of all, though, is the pack I bought for my girlfriend. She’s a big fan of the Rock (rude) and loves his character, Maui, from Moana. But see, Crocs, the company, don’t have a Maui Jibbitz… but Amazon sure as shit carries a bootleg version of him. It’s the absolute ugliest thing I’ve ever seen on someone’s shoes. He is not a human skin tone, and since they couldn’t show is black tattoos on the dark grey/brown body, they made them blue. What you end up with is a long-haired glowing alien sitting on the top of a purple shoe. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen her wearing them recently.

One under-appreciated thing about Crocs is their name. I am a big fan of stupid puns as Instagram captions. I pride myself on coming up with something that you are going to roll your eyes at, but then admit is pretty clever. Crocs is a great substitution word for this use. At Christmas time, I posted a pic in my crocs captioned: “Jingle Bell Croc.” The other choice was “Croc-ing around the Christmas tree.” And those are just the festive ones! I’m going to have to start wearing these out more so that I can use the puns to their full potential. Please hit up the comments below with your Croc puns! (I was told that call to action increase user engagement, it’s fine, everything is fine.)

Usually I decide something is cool, and then some celebrity will do something that ruins it for me. This happened when it was found out that celebrity chef Mario Batali was kneading more ass than dough a while back. As Mario faded into the caverns of #MeToo shame, his orange Crocs kicking all the way down, I thought my love for Crocs was dead and gone. But then, it was revived; Post Malone Crocs were brought to life. I wish I had a pair of these. Bright yellow with barbed wire, the guy did his best to make them look as tough as he could. It did the opposite, they look like low-top rain boots and it makes me want them so much more. Unfortunately, they sold out immediately and resale ranges anywhere from $180-$400. And now Crocs is doing more collabs with brands like Chinatown Market and Barney’s, and with artists like KISS and Luke Combs (don’t know who he is but the Crocs look like an acoustic guitar). So, you best believe I subscribed to their newsletter to see what new hot collabs are coming down the pipeline.

We knew we were going to get here. This is the culmination of all the other products I’ve reviewed. I’m going to fit right into suburbia with my transition lenses, sun shirt, lulu pants, and my Crocs. I am not sorry. I might get a new pair to celebrate this move, and I’ve had my eyes on the tie-dye ones for quite some time.


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TobiasFunke
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TobiasFunke

You need pictures of these things.