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How to Do NYE in Your Late 20s

New Year’s is one of, if not the most overrated holiday on the calendar. I’m pushing 30 now and can confidently say that NYE is all but lost on me. I’m over the busy bars, $75 tickets to get into a “party” that includes “unlimited” (read: 3 glasses) of champagne, Uber surcharges in the triple digits, and walking from spot to spot in slushy snow with a high probability of falling and ruining one of the nicer outfits in my closet. As such, I’ve decided to brainstorm a few ideas on how us millennials should be spending New Year’s Eve this year. Check it out.

  1. Spend all $125 worth of Amazon gift cards you got for Christmas on a sushi kit you’ll never use.
  2. Knit a sweater.
  3. Buy a sweater because you actually have no idea how to knit.
  4. Drink champagne from a boot. The same boot you just wore while shoveling your walkway to clear a path for your good friends and family whom you love so much you decided to invite them all over to your house on a Tuesday night.
  5. Have 2 glasses of wine and be in bed by 10:30pm.
  6. Crash a house party.
  7. No. Literally crash into a house that is having a party because it’s been snowing for 24 hours and the roads are shit.
  8. Curse at teenagers while paying the new Call of Duty because they are better than you on account of not having jobs nor any responsibilities to speak of.
  9. Play Cards Against Humanity and laugh at the same horrific humor you’ve seen 47 dozen times that never gets old.
  10. Clean your fridge.
  11. Clean your floors.
  12. Clean your bathroom.
  13. Clean your whole damn apartment because you invited a ton of fringe friends over to flex your new pad.
  14. Eat an entire cheese plate by yourself because no one showed up to your party.
  15. Make a list of New Year’s resolutions you’ll undoubtedly give up on come March 1st.
  16. Scroll through Instagram looking at cute dogs while realizing you couldn’t possibly sustain another life form given you are currently on day five of wearing the same sweatpants and haven’t moved from your apt since you got back from Parent’s house the day after Christmas.
  17. Apply for a new job because what is more millennial than jumping ship immediately after getting a Christmas bonus?
  18. Get overwhelmed about job hunting and watch re-runs of the office alone.
  19. Swipe through two dating app’s worth of potential matches in record time.
  20. Immediately delete all dating apps because they’ve never worked for you anyways.
  21. Cook a 3lb roast that won’t be done until 11:30 in an effort to force yourself to stay awake for the ball drop.
  22. Burn said roast and eat Captain Crunch for dinner.
  23. Read a book.
  24. Not a magazine.
  25. An actual book for because you are trying to better yourself here.
  26. Sign up for a cooking class to meet people.
  27. Order three months’ worth of Hello Fresh because you don’t actually know how to cook anything without everything portioned out and the directions made idiot proof.
  28. Change out of your sweatpants and walk to a bar down the street.
  29. Take a shot with someone in a biker gang.
  30. Put $10 worth of Justin Bieber in the Jukebox.
  31. Get in a fight defending The Bieb’s musical talent.
  32. Get shot for real by someone in a biker gang.
  33. Spend NYE in the hospital for something other than alcohol poisoning.
  34. Start 2020 alone and with a hefty medical bill, just like 2019.
  35. Give up on NYE altogether because it’s overrated as hell.

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