Greetings and Happy Holidays. It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything because frankly, I haven’t been inspired nor had the ambition to do it. For lack of a better way to describe it, my life has been a tornado lately. I’ve been going through some stuff and it’s always the things you’re passionate about and things you really enjoy that seem to take a backseat and lose their excitement when you get in a slump. So here I am, trying to pull myself out of it.
Whether it be a character flaw, a defense mechanism, whatever you want to call it, I’m the type of person who builds walls and becomes distant and quiet when things get out of whack. It’s something I am cognizant of and something I am working on, but that’s who I am. And I know others do the same. I am fortunate enough to have an extensive, loving, and caring support group of both friends and family. I love them all dearly. When times get tough, an all too common occurrence for my family, we shine the brightest. We support each other and love each other through the good times and the bad. The thing is, sometimes having so many people surrounding you can be overwhelming. It’s almost like I don’t want to see, or hear them, I just want to know that they are there. I just want them to be there.
I build walls to keep others out. If no one can get to me, I feel safe. While a storm is raging inside the walls that I’ve built up, the last thing I want is someone banging at the gate trying to get in. While I sit in thought, in tears, or silence, I don’t need you hurling nuggets of wisdom over the barriers that have been built, hoping one will hit me. I don’t need your opinions blasted through a megaphone, whether they come from a place of sincerity and concern for my well-being or not. What I need, is to know you are there. To know you are on the other side, waiting for me when it comes time to lower the bridge and open the doors. I need you to be there, offering a shoulder to cry on or your arms in embrace when it’s time to let go. Just be there.
Nothing else has built the walls that guard my heart. They were built by the person they are meant to protect. They were slowly, and meticulously constructed, so they must come down from within. It’s myjob to take them down, brick by brick. It’s not right to have someone else hammering away on them from the outside. I speak for many others when I ask that if you want to help me, don’t add noise to the clamor and chaos inside my head. The nights have gotten longer, and sleep is harder to come by. Please don’t add to the constant stream of thoughts that keep me awake at night. Just be there.
The walls I’ve built are an armor that I strap on each and every day. I may seem put together on the outside, but under it all I am beaten and bruised. I cover up because it is easier to hide the pain than deal with being exposed and having everyone ask me, “What’s wrong?” It is not anyone else’s job to strip that protection from me, to make me vulnerable again and show the world my scars. That is my responsibility. I ask only that you walk beside me in my journey, and just be there.
Not everyone is looking for wisdom, and not everyone is willing to accept what you may have to say. In a world that is loud, busy, and constantly moving, the most important thing you can do for someone is to just be there. If I want to talk, I will talk. If I want your advice, I will seek it out. I only ask that you don’t provide it unsolicited. If you want to support me, it should be from a place of sincerity, free from the strings of any views, beliefs, or ideologies you have. We must learn to prioritize someone’s happiness and well-being above all else.
I write these words not as a slant or with any malice, but as an individual going through a hard time. I write these words because I have a platform to share them on, and because maybe that someone going through something of their own and is feeling the same way. Friend, your feelings are valid and don’t ever apologize for them. I also say all of this because this maybe some of you out there ARE that support system, and this message is something you should hear. And maybe, just maybe, I put pen to paper because this is the first brick coming down. So, when it all comes down, just be there.