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My Uninformed Thoughts On The 2020 Presidential Candidates

Despite the 2020 election still being a whopping ten months away, the internet is absolutely bursting at the seams with opinions, takes, and of course, endorsements. Some of these are from savvy minds who have researched each candidate fully. Some are from are from political shills who are promoting whoever would best serve their interest without even looking at other candidates. Some are from Emily Ratajkowski. The point is, everyone and their mother has an opinion, and just like assholes, mine is the best one. I have done no research. I have watched no debates. Here are my completely uninformed thoughts on each candidate.

Michael Bennet (D)

I know he’s a Colorado representative, because I live here and get served his targeted ads. I don’t remember what any of his stances are, but if he’s a democrat from Colorado, he’s probably pretty progressive, which is cool.

Grade: I don’t know who he is, so a neutral C.

Joe Biden (D)

I’m a little confused with how I feel about Joe. As someone who bases all their opinions on what people are saying on Twitter, and also follows a lot of super liberal people on Twitter, the reports aren’t good. We all loved him as Obama’s sidekick, but it seems he’s getting creepier in his old age and kind of just losing it. I’m not really feeling his vibe, is what I’m saying. His views seem pretty centrist and I’m pretty left-leaning, so not a great match here. However, we could do a lot worse.

Grade: To quote the hit HBO miniseries, Chernobyl, “Not great. Not terrible.” He gets a B-.

Mike Bloomberg (D)

I don’t have an issue with Bloomberg (because it’s hard to have an issue with someone with the personality of a jar of mayo), but I do have an issue with what he stands for. He’s a billionaire who bought his way into the presidential race late with no experience in politics or really in anything except for making a shit ton of money. As someone who is a big believer in capping campaign spending for all candidates in the name of parity, I’m out on this guy. Billionaires – take your money and fuck off to a private island, don’t run for president as a hobby.

Grade: C-

Pete Buttgieg (D)

First off, Mayor Pete is the lamest nickname of all time, and it suits this guy perfectly. He’s lame. Do I hate his views? No. Do I think he’d make a bad president? No. Would he be the lamest president we’ve had in my lifetime? Yes. He exudes strong high school debate team energy, and just seems like the kind of guy who was voted class president because he tried SO hard, no one else wanted to deal with it. He’s fine.

Grade: He gets more hate than he deserves. Solid B.

John Delaney (D)

I’ve literally never heard of this guy.

Grade: I don’t know who he is, so a neutral C.

Tulsi Gabbard (D)

From what I see on Twitter, she’s one of the more right-leaning democrats, so I’m not down for that. Full disclosure though, I could be mixing her up with someone else. She’s from Hawaii, which is pretty chill, but also deals with very different issues than the contiguous US, so she may be a bit out of touch.

Grade: Idk, C-

Amy Klobuchar (D)

Wait, is this the candidate everyone says is right leaning? Shit, I can’t keep them straight. Why do this many people even want to run for president? I’ll be honest, it seems like the shittiest job in the world. You have to work like 90-hour weeks, everyone nitpicks every single thing you do, and you get paid less than these people could make doing any other job. If I had the brains and charisma to become president, you’d find me doing literally anything else.  

Grade: I don’t know who she is, so a neutral C.

Deval Patrick (D)

Is this a real candidate? Is anyone outside of his immediate family and friends voting for him? Why is he still around?

Grade: I don’t know who he is, so a neutral C.

Bernie Sanders (D)

*Heavy sigh* Here we go. I know I’m going to get hated on by the all the douchebags that vehemently support him online (a loud minority of his actual supporters), but I just don’t…like him. He doesn’t strike me as a kindly old man, he comes off as a contentious stick in the mud that can’t work well with people. However, he’s been the same person his whole life, and while I don’t especially like that person, that’s extremely rare in politics and I respect that.

Personality aside, I’m a big fan of his policies. Our health care system is fucking disgusting, and he seems like the guy who is most likely to try and physically attack an Aetna CEO, and for that reason, I am extremely in. I’m lucky to come from a privileged background, but for Americans who don’t have the support system I do, life in this country can be back-breakingly hard, and Bernie is trying to make it more livable. Free college, free healthcare, and a minimum wage that allows people to actually live on it seem like the very least we can do in the richest country in the world. Plus, I’m tired of hearing about places like Germany and Finland being better than us. Fuck Europe. Vote Bernie.

Grade: A+. Consider this my endorsement. I know that means a lot to everyone.

Tom Steyer

Is this another billionaire who bought his way into the race? Fuck off and start a podcast or a charity or something.

Grade: All billionaires get a C-.

Elizabeth Warren (D)

Warren was my number one choice for a long time before being just edged out by Sanders. I agree with her views, I think she has the experience and fortitude to get shit done, and I like her energy. I would be extremely happy with her as the Democratic candidate. Big Liz guy over here.

Grade: A. Barely edged out by Bernie because I think he hates our healthcare system just a bit more, and want to see it burned to the ground.

Andrew Yang (D)

Yang Gang! I love this guy. Not as a presidential candidate, of course, but man is he fun. His stances don’t make a lot of sense, but I love the move of just promising every American a crisp rack every month as his main promise. Extreme “class president who promises to make lunch longer despite having no power to do so” vibes. Unfortunately, he doesn’t believe in Medicare for all, and $12k ain’t shit when beating cancer can set you back $400k. Dude’s fun though, and I hope he continues in politics.

Grade: B-. Keep doing you, Yang.

Joe Walsh (R)

Is this the dude who was a big Trump supporter and then flip-flopped hard and decided to run against him? Fuck this guy. Also, it doesn’t matter. Trump is going to be the Republican nominee.  

Grade: D+. He’s a Republican and has no spine.

Bill Weld

No idea who this is, but it doesn’t matter because Trump is going to be the Republican nominee.

Grade: D+. He’s a Republican.

Donald Trump

If you don’t already know my feelings about this fat sack of shit, follow me on twitter one time. Dude sucks. Ideally, he would have heart attack before the next election due to his obesity and rampant Adderall use, but you just know he’s one of those evil people that will live forever. Obviously, a re-election is the worst-case scenario for this country.

Grade: F

While I did just write 1300 words on all the different candidates and my thoughts on them, I’d like to make one thing clear – it doesn’t matter who gets the nod as the Democratic nominee. If you’re not voting blue, regardless of what your opinion of the candidate is, you’re voting for Trump. I know, it sucks when your pick doesn’t win. You can be mad. You can hate the Democratic party for picking the wrong person, or the media for swaying public perception to push their pick in the primary. You can, and I hope you do, vocalize how unfair the current system is and take steps towards changing it.

But while you do all that, you still need to vote for the Democratic candidate, because if you don’t, you’re saying that you think Donald Trump is a better choice for president of this country. And if you think Donald Trump is a better presidential choice than anyone, you’re a fucking idiot. If you’re a Bernie bro, or a Mayor Pete guy, or a member of the #YangGang, and your plan is to abstain from voting if your guy doesn’t win the primary, leave your address in the comments so I can mail you a Trump2020 bumper sticker, because that’s who your supporting. Vote with your heart in the primary and your brain in the general election.

4 comments

  1. Gotta love people who cite Finland as Bernie’s policy equivalent without realizing Finland has a lower business tax rate than us. Bernie, like Jeremy Corbyn, are more aligned with the Bolivian socialism implemented in Cuba, Bolivia, Nicaragua, and Venezuela.

    Like

  2. You know what made PGP great? By staying away from hard line political pieces that will instantly 50% of their audience, plus those who wanted to escape politics just for a few minutes. If I wanted to read uniformed political articles, I’d head over to CNN, HuffPo, Info Wars, and watch Tucker Carlson.

    Like

  3. Lol. Newsflash, Noam: Bernie’s majority support base consists of privileged people like you who think that just because you are well off, you can stand on your soap box and preach about an economic utopia without a full understanding of how socialism works and how it can wreck a society. The majority of hard working people don’t support him. Stick to getting free stuff from mommy and daddy, not the government.

    Like

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