9 Ways I am Going to Spend All the Money I am Saving in Quarantine

The one good thing to come out of all this social distancing and self-quarantining all of us are doing right now in an effort to not spread the dreaded COVID-19 is that we are all saving HELLA money because we can’t do anything. I mean, my finances have never been in a better spot than these last two weeks, aside from the $300 I’ve spent on groceries trying to prepare myself to be stuck in the house for an undisclosed amount of time. No one invites me out to do anything, I can’t go spend money on happy hours, and it’s still too miserable out to go golfing here in Maine. It’s a perfect storm that facilitates frugality. That being said, Corona isn’t preventing me from sitting here on my couch dreaming up ways to spend all the money I am saving.

  1. An extravagant vacation

At the very top of the list is a vacation. I haven’t taken more than 2 consecutive days off from work since August, and now that I legitimately cannot escape work given my workplace is also my home for the time being, I am bursting at the seams to get the hell out of here. Give me somewhere warm with bottomless drinks, that is not a cruise ship. For obvious reasons. After all this is said and done, I am treating myself to a vacation hundo P.

2. A home gym

Now would be a great time to invest in a home gym. I can only watch the same 7 workout DVDs so many times in a row before I want to punch Shaun T in the face through the flat screen. I mean, I’ve resorted to squatting with a backpack full of 12ga ammo and running up and down the stairs every day. Someone help. Please.

3. Pay down student loan debt

Probably the smartest idea out of everything in this list, but who am I kidding? I’ve got the rest of my life for that.

4. Play the stock market

If I can get Disney at a discount rate, you bet your ass I’ll be bragging to everyone I am a share holder in Disney. How sick would that be? I’d preface that with every conversation from now until I die. “Hi my name’s Cush, Disney shareholder. How goes it?” But seriously, if you’ve got insider info, hit me with those tips.

5. Poker with my roommates

I’m stuck in the house with three other people day in and day out, whom I love dearly. What better way to invest your hard-earned cash into gambling with people who you physically cannot escape from when they find out you’ve been scamming them out of money in poker three nights a week?

6. Bitcoin

Is that still a thing?

7. Years and years of Xbox Live

I dusted off the Xbox 3 weeks ago before all hell broke loose. The timing could not have been more perfect. This has been a sign from the gamer gods that I must re-devote my life to Halo. Who am I to defy their commands? Time to stock up on subscriptions while I can float the cash.

8. Use it as Toilet Paper

It’s pretty scary out there. Luckily, I’ve got a good supply right now, but if things get desperate, I’ll be risking it at ATMs to replenish the necessary paper products. I haven’t been able to convince the roommates to get a bidet quite yet.

9. A cabin in the woods

If this goes on long enough, I am buying the first cabin I see for sale that’s 150mi from here and moving immediately. If I have to be in quarantine for an extended period of time, I am at least going to be somewhere I can break wind without getting yelled at. That and not having internet or being accessible sounds enticing, at least for a little while. So, there it is – Cush’s Corona Cash investment strategy.

All jokes aside, hang in there, folks. We’ll get through this together, but separately. Like, at least 6ft apart. And in groups of less than 10 people. Outside. Don’t lick things.

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