Do you need a break from the daily hum-drum of your quarantine life? Are you tired of watching yet another standard sitcom your friends raved to you over and over again that you simply MUST see? Do you like big cats, missing teeth, murder conspiracy theories, country music, and feeling like maybe you’re more normal than you thought? Then Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem, and Madness is the show for you!
Netflix has brought us this insane docu-series that follows the tale of Joe Exotic and the world of privately owned big cats. Yes, lions and tigers and leopards (and monkeys and an elephant), oh my!
This is a series that legitimately is so all over the place I had to rewind when I checked my phone because so much shit went down in the few minutes I had the audacity to look away from the screen. It honestly has something for everyone and if you want more, there is also a podcast simply called “Joe Exotic” you should check out as well.
I’ve listened to a few episodes of the podcast and flew through the show in a couple of days. (Sorry, some of us are still forced to be in the office and can’t binge during work hours like you people who are keeping the world healthy.) And it got me thinking that with this rag-tag cast of truly crazy, weird, full-on animal psychos, who would win in a fight? I’m talking Super Smash Bros., Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat type of old school, behind a building in the alley by a dumpster kind of brawl.
So much like the character selection screen of your favorite video game, it’s time to CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER!
Fighter #1: Joe Exotic
The star of our show and the man with fantastic political dreams accompanied by the best mullet this side of Oklahoma, Joe brings a lot to the table especially in terms of unpredictability.
- Hires criminals and doesn’t pay them well so you know he’s not afraid of dying. (It’s not like he also isn’t already cuddling cats that could kill him on the daily.)
- Already has a bad leg/limp. What’s another injury, or two or three? His body is ready for this. Plus, he has a cane which is a built in weapon.
- Has the ability to sweet talk straight men into marrying him aka he’s suave and dare I say, sneaky? Will get in that attack before you ever see it coming.
- Loves his cats more than life itself and will fuck a bitch up if they mess with them. Loyalty like this is hard to find.
- Was a magician so can pull off literal tricks at a moment’s notice.
- Prison yard experience. So much vengeance built up inside of this self-absorbed mess of a man. It just needs to be harnessed.
- He’s a wildcard, bitches! Over the top ideas and mood swings aplenty. This trait could go either way TBH. Will he perform under pressure or will he lose it and end up taking himself out in the process?
- Loves the camera. Joe can’t resist a photo op as displayed by his constant need for video footage at the park. Could get caught up in playing to the camera and be distracted away from what’s right in front of him.
- Ego for days. Days, I tell you! I mean he ran for freaking president. Another of those could be helpful or it could hurt him should his opponent exploit this weakness.
Fighter #2: Carole Baskin
The arch nemesis to our beloved Joe Exotic, Crazy Carole is a ruthless, animal print-clad beast of a woman who can for sure hold her own.
- Maybe, probably, definitely killed her first husband and fed him to a tiger and has no regrets about doing so. Vicious is an understatement.
- Has brainwashed hundreds of volunteers to work for her for free for YEARS. How? Why? It’s impressive and scary at the same time and proves she’s a shady queen of manipulation.
- Money hungry to a fault. (Please refer back to the top bullet point.) Home girl literally killed someone she loved to get her hands on that cash money. She can definitely be bought and the more you pay, the harder she will fight.
- Looks like an eccentric, hippie grandma. Will she feed you freshly baked pot cookies or stab you in the back in the blink of an eye? Her unassuming appearance will take you far.
- Full on delusional. Thinks she’s holier than thou thus she will not give up no matter what.
- Has convinced herself she’s innocent. Wants to give off the illusion that she can do no wrong and may not want to get down and dirty.
- No friends. She said herself she turned to animals when people refused to cooperate. (Which is suspicious in the first place.) But Carole has no one in her corner to back her up. Because her whipped current husband doesn’t count.
- Super annoying laugh. Carole can’t take anything seriously and laughs at everything. Will she take this battle seriously, or harass her opponents’ eardrums as she giggles herself into a stupor?
- Would probably be OK with dying. She said herself that if the murder-for-hire plot was successful her big cat activism would be put into the spotlight, and that’s really all she cares about. (Or at least that’s what she tries to tell herself.)
Fighter #3: Doc Antle
The inspiration for Joe’s animal park, Doc is the OG of big cat ownership making him a force to be reckoned with.
- Has been in the business forever so you know he has tricks up his sleeves. You don’t last this long without some so not-so legal moves, amirite?
- Has a harem of women, aka created a cult that worships his penis, on standby to do his bidding. He has backup ready to go at any moment, and you know he can swindle with the best of them if they agree to work for 12 hours straight and live with cockroaches.
- Can rock a long ponytail better than most women. My guy has serious flow happening on that head and knows he looks good. A man with that much confidence in his looks will take that confidence to victory. And maybe he can whip the ponytail around in self-defense?
- Deals with a variety of animals not just cats. He brings tons of experience to this event and has put the biggest of animals into their place. He’s not afraid of nothin’ or nobody.
- Refuses to make enemies. When things got juicy, Doc refused to spill the tea for fear of burning bridges. Sometimes you have to do what you have to, Doc, and this ain’t it.
- God complex. His nickname is literally “Lord,” but the thing he loves the most may be his downfall. Because what is Doc without his gang of groupies?
- Too smart to participate in this kind of activity? Doc might be the smartest in this group (I say that loosely) and therefore know he doesn’t need to be dishing out blows in such an event. Could be out before he even begins.
Fighter #4: Jeff Lowe
Our final contender, Jeff, saved Joe’s park when he needed it most, but brought his own set of problems into the mix and the two ended up hating each other.
- Choked a bitch out one time. Jeff literally has hands-on experience getting physical with people, and he supposedly cared about her. Imagine what he could do to someone he didn’t like.
- Known liar and conman. He leased his fancy car, rented his mansion, and flaunted that shit like he owned the world while getting in tight with Joe. He has no shame and will gladly be a snake in the grass.
- Is a ladies man. (Are you seeing a pattern here?!) Blame it on the cats if you will, but he managed to have a mistress and then convince her into being a swinger once she was his wife. HOW.
- Friends in low places. His right-hand man killed a dude and has a tattoo to prove it. End of story.
- Temper for days. He can easily fly off the handle if you get him riled up so if you don’t do what he wants, he’s out.
- Thinks he’s the boss. All that fake money has gone to his head making him a bit unstable in the power department.
- Only cares about himself and his wallet. How can you trust someone who shows no loyalty?
- Distracted by women in general. He may always have a few waiting in the wings (especially with a baby on the way), but you need a fighter who won’t be starstruck by every pair of boobs.
So, who are you picking in this battle of the crazies? Place your bets, people! All I know is I would legit pay good money to watch this fight. Netflix, let’s make it happen.
And perhaps another edition of Choose Your Fighter is in the works where our favorite supporting characters duke it out for the role of sidekick? See all of you cool cats and kittens then!